Staying in Your Hoop: How to Talk Honestly and Safely to Others

Faithful & True
2 days ago
9 min read

What does it mean to stay in my hoop?

If you’ve been around Faithful & True for a while, you’ve probably heard us talk about the three hoops. It’s a simple visual model, but it has huge implications for how we relate, especially in hurting or complicated relationships.

Quick refresher:

Hoop 1: My hoop – my thoughts, feelings, needs, beliefs, values, choices and everything about what makes me "me"
Hoop 2: Your hoop – your thoughts, feelings, needs, beliefs, values, choices and what makes you "you"
Hoop 3: Our hoop – the coupleship, the space where we meet and do life together

Most of the time when couples get stuck, it’s because we’re not staying in our own hoop. We jump into someone else’s – trying to fix, manage, diagnose, control, or manipulate them – and then we’re surprised when it ends in arguments, defensiveness, or shut down.

This blog is all about what it means to stay in your hoop and how you can communicate honestly and clearly without trying to control or change the other person.

What Does It Mean to “Stay in My Hoop”?

Staying in your hoop means:

I talk about what is true for me – what I feel, think, need, believe, and want.
I share that truth honestly and safely, even if I’m afraid I might not like the outcome.
I do not try to control what the other person feels, thinks, or chooses to do.
I respect that they have their hoop, and they get to decide what to do with the information I share.

When we step out of our hoop, we tend to:

Blame (“You always… You never… You’re just like…”)
Diagnose (“You’re just afraid of intimacy.”)
Control (“You have to do this.”)
Manipulate (“If you loved me, you would…”)
Pretend (“I’m fine,” when we’re clearly not.)

All of those are ways of trying to manage someone else’s hoop instead of owning what’s happening in our own.

The Iceberg: What You Can Talk About From Your Hoop

We often use an Iceberg Model (created by Virgina Satir, family systems therapist) to describe all the layers inside us that we can bring into a conversation:

Feelings – “I feel hurt, sad, scared, angry, hopeful…”
Thoughts – "When I see you on your phone in bed, I think you may be acting out"
Needs – “I want to build trust with you. What would help is if you kept your phone on the kitchen counter when we go to bed.”
Truths – “What’s true for me right now is you are working a good program and I appreciate that."

All of that is fair game from your hoop.

What’s not in your hoop is:

Changing the other person
Controlling what they do with your truth
Forcing a specific outcome. Threatening another person.

You can express a desire or a request – but not a guarantee.

Step One: I Initiate the Conversation About What’s Going On in Me

Many of us learned early in life to send indirect signals and hope someone notices.

Instead of saying:

“My shoulder is killing me; I fell on it yesterday and I’m in a lot of pain,”

we sit, grimace, rub our shoulder, sigh… and silently hope someone will ask, “Are you okay?”

From a healthy hoop stance, it’s my responsibility to initiate when something is going on with me – whether it’s physical pain, emotional hurt, or a relational concern.

That might sound like:

“I’ve noticed I’m feeling a lot of resentment lately when we divide responsibilities.”
“I noticed I got really triggered earlier when you raised your voice.”
“I’m having a strong reaction to what I saw on your phone, and I need to talk about it.”

When I speak from my hoop, I’m not hinting, sulking, or secretly waiting to see if you’ll figure it out. I’m offering clear information.

Everyday Example: Moving Boxes & the Story in My Head

Imagine this scene at work or at home:

Your spouse or co-worker says, “Hey, can you move that box?”

Inside your hoop, all kinds of things might start swirling:

“He just assumes I’ll do everything around here.”
“No one else steps up. It’s always me.”
“If I say no, I’ll look lazy or weak.”
“Maybe he thinks I’m strong and capable. Maybe this is a compliment.”

You might also be in pain – maybe you hurt your shoulder yesterday – but you don’t say anything. You just pick up the box, get resentful, and build a case in your head.

Staying in your hoop sounds more like:

“I want to help, but my shoulder is really hurting today. I’m not able to lift that box.”

Or:

“I’m noticing a story in my head that a lot of the physical tasks fall on me, and I’m starting to feel it’s not fair. Could we talk about how we divide things up?”

Notice the pattern:

I notice what’s going on inside me.
I name it.
I share it as my truth, not as an accusation.

That gives the other person accurate information instead of making them guess.

A Harder Example: Pornography, Lying, and Honesty in the Hoop

Now let’s move into a more painful, real-life example from our work.

A woman is dating a man and hopes to build a future with him. Pornography was very destructive in a previous relationship, so early on she shares:

“Pornography has been really hurtful in my past. I need to know honestly if it’s an issue for you.”

He denies it. Later, she discovers that he has been watching pornography.

At that point, she has options in her hoop. She could:

Attack: “You’re just like all men. You’re disgusting.”
Shame: “You’ve been lying to me. I can’t believe anything you say.”
Generalize: “I guess I cant trust men. Maybe I’m asking too much.”

Or she could stay in her hoop:

“I feel deeply hurt that you weren’t honest with me when I asked before. Pornography has been very damaging in my past, and for me this is a serious issue. What I need, if we’re going to continue moving toward a future together, is for you to get help from a specialist. My truth is you are a good man. Also, if this is a problem, it can change with the right help and your willingness to change."

That’s hoop talk. She’s:

Owning her history
Naming her feelings
Stating her need
Being clear about what this means for her future decisions
What is true

From his hoop, he also has choices. He might say:

“I don't see it as a problem, and I don't intend to change.”
“I agree it’s a problem. I’ve struggled since childhood, and I’m willing to get help.”
“I’m ashamed and terrified to reach out, but I’m willing to take a step.”

What matters spiritually and relationally is that he is honest about where he really is – not telling her what he thinks she wants to hear just to keep her.

If he says, “Yes, I’ll get help,” with no intention of following through, that’s not staying in his hoop. That’s manipulating the outcome.

Clarity Is Kindness

We often say: clarity is kindness.

It is kind to tell the truth about where you really are.
It is kind to let the other person know what you are and are not willing to do.
It is kind to accept the other person's choice even if it means you need to do something different for yourself.

What’s unkind is pretending:

“I’ll get help” (with no intent to)
“It’s not really a problem” (when it clearly is)
“I’m fine” (when you’re not)

We may not like what the other person chooses once they have that clarity. They may decide:

“I can’t stay in this relationship if you continue using pornography.”
“I can’t commit to marriage if this remains unaddressed.”
“I’m going to start getting my own help, even if you don’t.”

But again, that’s their hoop. Our job is to be truthful in ours.

The Difference Between Control and Ownership

One of the biggest fears in these conversations is:“Am I trying to control you… or am I simply owning my needs?”

Control looks like:

Daily interrogation: “Did you call yet? Have you read that book I gave you? Did you talk to your group? What did you say?”
Threats: “If you don’t do this by Friday, I’ll…”
Fixing and managing: arranging everyone’s recovery, schedules, and responses so you can feel safe.

Underneath control, there’s almost always fear and lack of safety. That fear is understandable – especially after betrayal – but it still pulls us out of our hoop.

Ownership sounds more like:

“It’s been two weeks since I gave you the information for help. I’ve noticed you haven’t said anything about it, and the story in my head is that you don’t plan to follow through. My truth is: I deeply desire for you to get help so our relationship can grow. My need is that by the end of this week, you either take a concrete step or tell me honestly that you don’t intend to. Whatever you decide, I will then need to make decisions for my own well-being.”

That’s not control. That’s clarity.

And from his hoop, he can then respond honestly:

“I don’t think this is a problem; I have no plans to get help.”
“I’m overwhelmed and ashamed, but I’m willing to reach out.”
“I’ve been avoiding it, and I need to own that.”

Either way, both people are now working with truth, not pretense.

“Wise People Always Have Choices”

This principle applies to both husbands and wives, addicts and betrayed partners:

Wise people always have choices.

Sometimes a husband is doing solid recovery work, attending workshops, getting counseling, and his wife is still resistant to getting help for herself. Sometimes it’s the opposite.

It can start to feel like,“I hurt you, so now I have no right to have needs or reactions to your choices.”

But staying in your hoop means recognizing:

You still have choices about how you live.
You still have choices about how you engage in the relationship.
You still have choices about whether to stay, and how to stay.

Even choosing to stay in a painful, stuck relationship is still a choice – and naming it as such can actually be empowering.

When the Other Person Won’t Step Into Their Hoop

Sometimes your spouse or partner just isn’t ready to:

Get help
Be honest
Engage their own story
Own their pain

From your hoop, you can:

Name what you see
- “What I notice is that you’re not willing to get support right now.”
Name what it means for you
- “For me, that makes the relationship feel unsafe and stuck.”
Name what you’re going to do
- “Even if you don’t seek help, I am going to. I’ve decided to get my own counseling and support.”

You are not waiting forever in limbo for someone else’s hoop to change before you can act from your own.

Putting It All Together: A Simple Hoop Template

Here’s a practical way to start talking from your hoop. Fill in these sentences in your own words:

“I notice…”
- What I’m seeing / experiencing externally or internally
“I feel…”
- The emotion(s) this stirs in me
“The story in my head is…”
- The meaning I’m making, the assumptions I’m tempted to believe
“My truth today is…”
- What is true about me; what is true about you; what is true about the situation.
“My need / request is…”
- What I’m asking for, knowing you still get to choose your response

Example:

“I notice we haven’t talked about your recovery work in over a month. I feel anxious and disconnected. The story in my head is that you’re pulling away and maybe not taking this as seriously anymore. My truth today is that I can’t go back to pretending everything is okay when it isn’t. My need is for us to have a regular check-in this week about where you are and what support you’re engaging.”

That’s hoop talk. It’s honest, grounded, and clear – without demanding a specific outcome.

A Final Encouragement

Staying in your hoop is not about being detached or uncaring. It’s about being:

Honest instead of manipulative
Clear instead of vague
Intentional instead of reactive
Responsible instead of controlling

It takes courage to tell the truth about where you are, what you feel, what you need, and what you’re going to do – especially when you don’t know how the other person will respond.But over time, this kind of hoop-based honesty is one of the most loving gifts you can offer yourself, your spouse, and your relationship.

If you’d like more help learning how to live and communicate from your hoop – whether you’re the one struggling with sexual addiction or the one who’s been wounded by it – Faithful & True offers intensive workshops, counseling, and hundreds of podcast episodes that go deeper into these topics. You don’t have to figure it out alone. Also, Mark and Debra Laaser wrote, " Seven Desires" which elaborates on using the Iceberg Model to talk from your hoop.

To view the podcast on this topic, please visit https://youtu.be/tflP0t6JLPA.