Check It Out

Check It Out: How Perceptions Shape Recovery, Betrayal Trauma, and Marriage Healing

Randy Evert:
Welcome to the Faithful and True Podcast. I’m Randy Evert, your co-host, and I’m here today with our usual host, Dr. Greg Miller. Greg, great to see you.

Dr. Greg Miller:
It’s good to be here.

Randy Evert:
And our special guest today is the co-founder and director of Faithful and True, Debbie Laaser. Debbie, thank you for joining us.

Debbie Laaser:
Thanks. It’s good to be here.

Randy Evert:
Today we’re talking about perceptions—how the stories we tell ourselves shape our emotions, our relationships, and even our recovery. For those who are familiar with Faithful and True, you’ve likely heard us talk about the iceberg model. That model helps us understand how behaviors are only the visible part of what is happening in a person. Underneath the surface are feelings, needs, meanings, messages, and core beliefs.

Debbie, would you explain that a little more for our listeners?

Debbie Laaser:
Sure. When you look at an iceberg, only a small part is visible above the water. That visible part is like our behaviors—what people can see us doing or hear us saying. But beneath the surface is a much larger reality. That hidden part includes our feelings, vulnerabilities, coping patterns, unmet needs, and the meanings we attach to situations.

It also includes our perceptions, assumptions, and core beliefs. And that is the part we really want to focus on today because those internal stories shape so much of what happens in relationships, especially in the healing process after sex addiction, porn addiction, and betrayal trauma.

The truth is, we are all constantly interpreting what is happening around us. We create stories in our heads, and often those stories are not fully true. That is where so much conflict begins.

Dr. Greg Miller:
That’s especially true in relationships. Most of the time, if we are not being intentional, we stay focused only on behavior. Then our emotional reactions come not just from what happened, but from what we believe it means.

That matters deeply in marriage recovery, because couples healing from porn addiction or sex addiction are often already carrying pain, fear, and mistrust. When betrayal has happened, even a small behavior can trigger a much bigger story because of the hurt underneath it.

We all see life through filters. Those filters are shaped by our family history, wounds, attachment experiences, and past trauma. So two people can experience the same moment very differently. In relationships, especially after betrayal trauma, those different perceptions can create confusion, defensiveness, and disconnection if they are not talked about.

Debbie Laaser:
Exactly. And this affects emotional intimacy because when we react to the story in our head, we are no longer really being known. We are relating from assumptions instead of truth.

Here’s a simple example. I was driving to work recently, and I was in the left lane because I knew I needed to turn left to get to Faithful and True. Someone behind me was tailgating me. My first reaction was frustration. I started thinking, “Why are you in such a hurry? You need to learn patience.”

But then another message started rising in me: “Maybe I’m driving too slowly. Maybe I’m just an old lady in the way.” So now I’ve got all these interpretations going on in my head, and none of them have been checked out.

That’s how quickly our minds create meaning. In everyday life, and especially in recovery, our minds can go to fear, shame, blame, or defensiveness without us even realizing it.

Dr. Greg Miller:
That is so true. We all have filters, and they operate fast. Let’s say I come home and Beth is quiet. What may be objectively true is simply that Beth is quiet. But if my old core belief is, “I must have done something wrong,” then I immediately start reacting as though she is upset with me. I may get defensive, shut down, or become anxious before I even know what is actually going on.

That’s one of the reasons couples in marriage recovery often struggle. The pain of betrayal trauma and the shame dynamics connected to sex addiction and porn addiction can make both spouses highly reactive. Without realizing it, they begin responding not just to each other’s behavior, but to the story they are telling themselves about that behavior.

And because these reactions happen so quickly, we often don’t even realize the filter is there.

Debbie Laaser:
That’s why we use the phrase “check it out.” It’s such a simple idea, but it can change everything.

Instead of assuming you know what the other person means, you ask. Instead of reacting to your interpretation, you slow down and check it out.

I was working with someone recently who was having a conversation with her spouse about recovery. He said he wanted to move a little faster in their healing process and wanted to move forward with intimacy. She froze because she assumed he meant sex, and she knew she wasn’t ready for that. So she shut down and left the conversation.

Later, I encouraged her to go back and check it out. I suggested she ask him what he meant by the word intimacy. When she did, she discovered he meant several things. Yes, sex was part of it, but he also meant wanting more closeness, more time together, and more connection.

That conversation changed everything. She was no longer reacting to an assumption. She was living in truth. And that truth allowed them to have a real conversation about where they were in their marriage recovery and what each of them needed.

Dr. Greg Miller:
That is such an important point. In relationships affected by porn addiction, sex addiction, and betrayal trauma, couples often have reactions to each other’s reactions. One person says something, the other gets quiet, and then the first person reacts to the silence. Before long, both people are responding to assumptions rather than to reality.

But either person can slow that process down. Either one can say, “Can I check something out with you?” That simple act creates room for truth, safety, and connection.

And the sooner that happens, the sooner the relationship can begin moving toward healing instead of chaos.

We also need to talk about core beliefs, because they are powerful in recovery. A core belief is a belief so central to who we are that it shapes how we see ourselves, others, and the world.

In my own story, I developed a core belief early in life that I was not includable. Years later, even in recovery, if I reached out to people and didn’t hear back right away, that old belief would get triggered. I would immediately interpret the silence as proof that I didn’t matter or didn’t belong.

But the truth might be completely different. Someone could be driving, in a meeting, or simply unable to respond at that moment. Yet if I let my core belief define reality, I create emotional pain that may not actually fit the situation.

That’s what happens in so many recovery journeys. Our core beliefs create painful emotions, and then we feel the urge to cope, numb, medicate, or shut down. That’s true for people struggling with sex addiction or porn addiction, and it is also true for spouses dealing with betrayal trauma. If we are not careful, old beliefs can hijack present relationships.

Debbie Laaser:
Yes, and when you cannot check something out directly, one helpful practice is to become what I call a possibilitarian.

A possibilitarian is someone who considers other possible explanations instead of immediately assuming the worst. So in my driving example, instead of believing the tailgating driver is impatient and rude—or telling myself I’m a bad driver—I can consider other possibilities. Maybe he’s rushing to the hospital. Maybe he’s late for work. Maybe something urgent is happening.

That shift does not deny reality. It simply opens us to the possibility that our first interpretation may not be the whole truth.

This can be so important in betrayal trauma recovery and marriage healing. Partners often feel overwhelmed by fear and hypervigilance, and understandably so. Those responses come from real pain. But when every silence, expression, or delay gets interpreted through fear, it becomes difficult to build new trust. Considering other possibilities can help calm the nervous system and make room for more grounded conversations.

And it is not just about giving the other person the benefit of the doubt. It is also about giving ourselves the benefit of the doubt. Instead of immediately turning inward with shame or self-criticism, we can ask, “What is actually true here?”

Dr. Greg Miller:
That’s such an important distinction. In posttraumatic growth, part of healing is learning to challenge the old meanings we automatically attach to pain. Growth does not mean ignoring reality. It means becoming more honest, more grounded, and more open to truth.

That’s why “check it out” is such a practical recovery tool. The more we do it, the less we live in false stories. The less we live in false stories, the fewer painful emotions we create for ourselves unnecessarily. And the fewer painful emotions we create, the less likely we are to reach for unhealthy coping.

That principle applies across the board—to someone working to recover from sex addiction, to someone healing from porn addiction, and to a spouse navigating betrayal trauma. Truth creates stability. Assumptions create chaos.

Debbie Laaser:
And for couples who are in a very difficult place, sometimes these conversations need to happen with support. Early in marriage recovery, even simple conversations can feel overwhelming. If a couple is easily triggered, this may be exactly the kind of conversation they bring into the therapy room.

A person might not feel safe enough to say in the moment, “Can I check something out?” But they can begin by saying to themselves, “My interpretation may not be accurate.” That alone creates some internal space. Then later, with support, they can return to the conversation and talk through it.

We also see how assumptions show up in everyday recovery decisions. For example, one spouse may think, “If my partner really cared, he would schedule the counseling appointment.” But if that need is never spoken out loud, the other spouse may have no idea. He may even be holding back because he doesn’t want to be controlling or presumptuous.

This is one of the hidden struggles in marriage recovery. People often expect their spouse to understand the story in their head. But we are not mind readers. Healing grows when needs are spoken clearly and owned honestly.

Dr. Greg Miller:
And sometimes one of the most damaging assumptions is this: “If you loved me, you would…” fill in the blank.

That assumption shows up all the time in relationships affected by betrayal. “If you loved me, you would call the therapist.” “If you loved me, you would know what I need.” “If you loved me, you would automatically respond in this way.”

But when those expectations stay unspoken, they often become resentment. A much healthier path is to say, “An expression of love to me would be this.” That kind of clarity creates safety.

It does not mean both people will always land on the same conclusion. Couples can have different perceptions and still move toward understanding. In fact, that is a major part of emotional maturity.

Debbie Laaser:
Yes. Mark and I had many conversations like that in marriage. We often had different perceptions about finances and parenting because of our different family histories. At first, we argued from opposite sides. But over time, as we shared our stories and understood each other better, we began moving toward a healthier middle ground.

That is such a hopeful picture for couples walking through marriage recovery. You do not have to think exactly the same way in order to heal. What matters is learning how to listen, how to check things out, and how to understand the story behind each other’s perception.

When we stop assuming motives and start getting curious, relationships become healthier. Emotional intimacy grows. Trust grows. And that is where posttraumatic growth becomes possible.

Dr. Greg Miller:
That’s really the heart of it. The first step is simply acknowledging that our filter exists. Even if all we can say at first is, “This is how I’m experiencing it, but I may not be seeing it clearly,” that is a powerful act of ownership.

That kind of ownership is a gift in recovery. It lowers defensiveness. It opens the door to truth. And it helps couples move away from blame and toward connection.

When people begin practicing that kind of awareness consistently, they often experience more peace, more clarity, and more emotional stability. And those are essential parts of healing from sex addiction, porn addiction, and betrayal trauma.

Debbie Laaser:
Exactly. Ownership, honesty, and a willingness to check out the story in your head can change a relationship. It can change your day. And over time, it can change your life.

That is part of what healing looks like. It is not perfection. It is learning to live more in truth than in fear. And that is one of the ways posttraumatic growth begins to take shape.

Randy Evert:
We hope you’ve enjoyed today’s conversation. This is such an important topic for anyone walking through sex addiction recovery, porn addiction recovery, betrayal trauma healing, or the difficult but meaningful work of marriage recovery.

If you’d like more support, resources, or information about Faithful and True’s workshops and counseling services, visit faithfulandtrue.com. Whether you are seeking help for sex addiction, porn addiction, or the painful effects of betrayal trauma, there is hope. Healing is possible, and so is lasting change.

And for many couples and individuals, that healing journey can become a path toward deeper truth, stronger intimacy, and genuine posttraumatic growth.