The Desire to be Safe

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Mark Laaser

You know, one of the first developmental tasks in life is to trust that mom can walk out of the room and that she will be back. Well, you know, we pretty much all come to trust that one. But emotionally, people leave and don't come back. Physically, sometimes people leave and don't come back. You know, that can sometimes be through divorce or death.

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Mark Laaser

Whatever your life circumstances is, you're listening to this. You know, think about your life. And when you were growing up, did you did you have a general sense of security and safety, or did you have a general sense of anxiety and fear, even about food or shelter or the presence of loved ones in your life? Then when you get in touch with that, one of the questions to ask yourself is even early on, how did you learn to cope with that if you if you didn't have a sense of security?

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Mark Laaser

What are some of the things that you did to try to manipulate safety?

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Randy Evert

Welcome to the Faithful and True podcast. I'm Randy Everett, your co-host, and today we have another installment from the legacy series featuring doctor Mark Lazar. And today's podcast is from the Seven Desires collection. This is the desire to be safe, featuring doctor Mark Lazar and myself. Here now is the desire to be safe.

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Mark Laaser

Randy. We're continuing our series on the Seven Desires of the heart, and today we arrive at the fourth desire of the Debbie and I describe the desire to be safe.

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Randy Evert

And what exactly does the desire to be safe include?

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Mark Laaser

Well, I'm fixing to talk about it here. All right. During the show, y'all. Y'all. Why am I getting into my southern accent? I think it is because I just figured that out. I think that it's because those of us who struggle with anxiety, and I'm one of them. My genetic susceptibility to anxiety comes from my mother's side of the family, I think, and they were all from the South.

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Mark Laaser

So that's where my southern accent comes.

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Randy Evert

Okay, so we'll pretend like all of that makes sense. Go ahead. Proceed.

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Mark Laaser

Proceed. The desire to be safe is about really the desire to be free of worry, fear, anxiety, the desire to feel like, bad things are not going to happen to us. And it's also the desire to be safe is all about that wanting. We have to be free of anxiety and fear, but it's also about all the things that we do, therefore, that will even symbolically create in us a perception that we're safe.

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Mark Laaser

And we're going to get to maybe some examples of that.

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Randy Evert

Well, it's interesting because that particular desire seems to be hand in hand with a person's self-confidence. You know, if, if, if you if you experience that, sensation of being safe, it seems to, to lead to a stream of conscious positivity.

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Mark Laaser

Well, that's, that's, you know, people who struggle with chronic anxiety do tend to be on the negative side of things because they're kind of always imagining the worst. And that's what anxious people do. They tend to project into the future. Imagine the worst case scenarios. They want to prepare and plan for that so that it doesn't happen. So they can tend to be on the negative side of things.

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Mark Laaser

They're somewhat hard to be around because they're always going to be worried about.

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Randy Evert

Stuff and what's usually at the heart of that, of that feeling.

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Mark Laaser

You know, it's interesting. One of the great theologians, Paul Tillich, talked about the fact that there are some certain basic anxieties, there are certain core anxieties. I'm not going to get into all the academic language that he used to describe it. But I think one of the greatest anxieties, don't you think, Randy? When when we stop to pause, to wonder about it is do we not all at some level fear death, you know, do we not fear, being sick?

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Mark Laaser

Any kind of consequences in our life that would lead to death, whether it's health consequences or, you know, other things out there in life. And, I think that's one of the major anxieties. Now, people listening, they may say, you know, I don't sit around on a daily basis and think about death. Well, the truth of it is down deep in your soul, you're thinking about it because, there are certain things that we all do in life to remain safe.

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Randy Evert

Yeah. You take great precautions to, to avoid the situation. I find myself as a father of two sons. My anxiety about such things won't come. Particularly worrying about myself. But it will be as your young sons are leaving for the evening with friends. You know, my anxiety will be. You know, we always say, you know, be safe, be smart.

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Randy Evert

And and that's, you know, all you're hoping for while they are gone with their friends that night is that they're making good decisions. But there is a true anxiety that is there because, you know, sometimes geographically, it even fits into it because here we are in Minnesota. And and to have your your kids going out on a winter's night with icy roads and, and knowing that, not quite sure what the night's activities will bring, but there's a definite, anxiety.

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Randy Evert

They're hoping for their safety and, you know, fearing that something may take place that would be detrimental to them.

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Mark Laaser

Well, you know, I think some of that is instinctual. I think it's it's part of our genetic makeup to, as parents, protect the offspring, to reproduce the race and maintain the race. That's part of our survival instinct. I think there's also another, you know, this guy, Paul Tillich, that I was talking about. Another one of the anxieties that he talked about is the anxiety about being all alone.

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Mark Laaser

So if we're worried about maintaining relationships, if we're worried about other people leaving us and, you know, leaving us all alone, whether they, they die or just, you know, get rid of us somehow. There is an anxiety, I think, that all of us have about being all alone. It's actually one of the anxieties we're born with, you know, when we come out of the shoot and come out of this warm, protective, nurturing environment, then all of a sudden, I think one of the earliest anxieties we experiences, that anxiety of being being alone.

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Mark Laaser

I think we all have anxieties about ultimate meanings in life and so forth. I'm not going to get into all this systematic theological stuff except to say that I think if our listeners would pause for a moment and just wonder to themselves, you know, what are some of the classic things in their life that caused them the greatest amount of fear?

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Mark Laaser

And they notice that when they are approaching certain activities or certain events in life, it creates a great deal of anxiety. What is that anxiety all about? Well, down deep at the core, we all desire to at some level be safe.

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Randy Evert

Now, what do you tell clients when you have identified the fact that they are struggling with such anxieties? And a lot of times, not justifiably so? I mean, you know, you see that they are worried about things that are totally out of their control. It's really a what if scenario. And and sometimes it's a real stretch when you when you finally identify the types of things that they are really shaking in their boots about.

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Mark Laaser

Well, I think ultimately, you know, one of the things we're going to want to work with all of our people about is that the the, the final solution to anxiety is a deep sense of surrender and serve control and a faith in God that he is the one who protects us. You know, even after death, you know, there is something there to look forward to.

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Mark Laaser

So, you know, the ultimate antidote to anxiety is, spiritual faith and spiritual acts of surrender. There's no question about it. Now, try to tell a person who's having a panic attack that and, you know, they they may not quite get that at that.

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Randy Evert

Moment, but that's a key point that you make there, because I have often thought, you know, in times of trouble and times of great concern, I have always wondered, how does someone deal with these stressful times without faith? Because, you know, personally, for myself, it is my faith in God that gets me through every single one of those times.

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Randy Evert

I am able to calm my own self down by, you know, by reminding myself that this is all in God's hand, that God has a plan. I truly believe that. And you know, and that he's in control, not myself.

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Mark Laaser

One of my favorite movies. We were talking about movies in this show.

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Randy Evert

They provide great analogies for us. That's all right.

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Mark Laaser

Well, there's a movie that was made about the great Civil War General Stonewall Jackson called Gods and Generals. And there is a scene as that, career of his develops during the Civil War, in which there is the first battle of what the Southerners would call Manassas, and the northerners would call Bull Run the First Battle of Bull Run, in which it looked like the the Union forces were going to have their way with the Confederates, move on to Richmond and have a very quick conclusion to the Civil War, which did not happen.

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Mark Laaser

What did happen was that at some point, Stonewall Jackson, with one of his Virginia Brigades, stepped into a breach. Stonewall Jackson, sitting on his horse, was evidently the picture of calmness and serenity, and he was directing his troops to to fill in the gaps. And they reversed the tide of the battle. Later on, one of the writers about this said, there stood Jackson like a stone wall, and that's where he got his nickname name Stonewall Jackson.

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Mark Laaser

Well, in the movie, there's a scene in which his assistant or his adjutant is walking with him around the battlefield, and there's all this carnage and all these dead people lying around and and his his assistant says to him, general, how was it that, in the middle of this battle with bullets literally whizzing around your head, you were able to remain perfectly calm?

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Mark Laaser

And he looks at the guy and he says, well, I consider in my faith that God has appointed the day of my death, and whatever happened today or whatever happens tomorrow, I have absolutely no control over that, so that if I just allow myself to trust the fact that God is in control of my life, then I can be brave.

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Mark Laaser

And he said, if every soldier felt this way, every soldier would be equally brave. And I've always liked that. It's like if we do consider the fact that God is in control, not us. It does tend to have an effect on helping us with our sense of anxiety. For those of us who grew up in some level of chaos.

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Mark Laaser

By chaos, I mean, you know, families where, you know, there wasn't that much order, there wasn't that much discipline, even to the point of, you know, the physical surroundings being kind of chaotic and all of that kind of thing. We grew up with some level of physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, alcoholism, drug dependency, addictions of all sorts.

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Mark Laaser

You know, we grew up with a kind of a sense of lack of safety. There are families that grew up that didn't have an assurance that they, you know, would have things to eat or where they were going to live. I mean, so many stories right now of the people that have come here for help are flashing through my brain about, you know, how families can be very, chaotic that way.

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Mark Laaser

I think the brain actually has a way of developing that part of the brain that controls anxiety. If we grow up in relative security, I think it has a positive number on that part of the brain. If we grow up in relative chaos. It has a damaging effect on that part of the brain. And I think given the fact that one of the greatest anxieties is the anxiety of being all alone, depending on how those people who cared for us and loved us.

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Mark Laaser

You know, brought us up to, to be reliable. To fact, you know, one of the first developed mental tasks in life is to trust that mom can walk out of the room and that you will be back. Well, you know, we we pretty much all come to trust that one. But emotionally, people leave and don't come back.

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Mark Laaser

Physically, sometimes people leave and don't come back. You know, that can sometimes be through divorce or death. Whatever your life circumstances, as you're listening to this, you know, think about your life. And when you were growing up, did you did you have a general sense of security and safety, or did you have a general sense of anxiety and fear, even about food or shelter or the presence of loved ones in your life?

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Mark Laaser

Then when you get in touch with that, one of the questions to ask yourself is even early on, how did you learn to cope with that if you if you didn't have a sense of security? What are some of the things that you did to try to manipulate, safety?

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Randy Evert

That's exactly what I was about to ask you. When you're counseling an individual who is dealing with a shopping list of anxieties. Where do you begin to encourage them to experience safety?

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Mark Laaser

Well, again, we talked about the spiritual part of this earlier on, did we not in the show. And that, you know, it's obviously an act of spiritual surrender. I, I, I don't know, I like having fun with this one. I like pointing out to people some of the crazy things that we all do to try to order the universe.

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Mark Laaser

Try to control the universe. A lot of the wives around here have talked about the fact that I cannot control my husband, but I can control dirt. So they. Or so they think. But that they become very good at cleaning or, you know, keeping the house in order. You know, if we have a great deal of anxiety, there's going to be certain things in life that symbolically represent to us we're in control.

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Randy Evert

So they transfer their frustration with not being able to control their husband by controlling other aspects of their life.

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Mark Laaser

Yes. That's right. So, you know, those who know me are well aware. I mean, we all we all pick things out to control symbolically. For me, it's grass in the summertime, leaves in the fall and snow in the winter. I mean, it's quite convenient that if your grass is mode, things seem right with the world. If the leaves are raked, things seem right with the world.

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Mark Laaser

If the snow is shoveled, things seem right with the world. I'm not as bothered by things on the inside of the house. You know, like Debbie would be if the laundry is done, if the house is picked up, if the food is put away. You know, that would be more symbolic to her that things are well under control.

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Randy Evert

So between the two of you, you really have it all. Visit the lasers home because it's all really being handled well.

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Mark Laaser

You know, I would say that we both done a relatively good job of letting go if some of the had, particularly lately. And certainly when you have kids, you have to let go of that to a certain. Sure. The point being that, what do we what do we try to control is a symbolic way of feeling in control.

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Mark Laaser

And around here, one of the things we see all the time is that we we seek to control relationships. We, this is one of the sources of codependency. Meaning that if I can play you, please you in such a way that you won't leave me and won't be angry with me and won't divorce me, will stay with me.

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Mark Laaser

You know, I'm going to really, in some ways sacrifice myself in order to keep you appeased. So you have to be careful. This anxiety thing threatens us in in terms of relationships and in terms of so many things.

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Randy Evert

So as you are working with couples and encourage encouraging them to, to build this trust with each other. Do you find yourself also encouraging them to to look to that spiritual side that you talked about earlier? Because I think that confidence in an individual realizing that God has a plan for them and, and that, you know, try to let go of trying to control the outcome of, of their life and realizing that God has a plan.

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Randy Evert

And rest assured, it will all work out.

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Mark Laaser

You know, I think one of the ultimate things we're trying to teach all of our clients husbands and wives, I say teach, introduce them to the idea, the spiritual place that, we all have the ability to be alone and, okay, if we have a faith in God that he is with us and for us and protecting us.

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Mark Laaser

When I say alone, I mean in terms of other relationships, whether or not we're going to have our physical needs provided for, you know, all of that, if we can have a sense that I can be alone and okay, then actually that that frees us up to participate in relationship and in community, not from a desperately needy place, but of a place more of choice.

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Mark Laaser

And I think that's an important place for all of our couples to get to. I'm not trying to manipulate you so that you will stay because I, I don't know who I be without you, but more that I know I can be alone and okay, but I choose to want to be with you. And I surrender whether or not you'll choose to be with me.

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Randy Evert

Mark, as we've reached the end of today's program, if you would, for our listeners, summarize or wrap up this desire to be safe.

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Mark Laaser

Well, the desire to be safe is inherent down deep in all of our hearts. I think, like with all of the desires that we talk about, God has put them in our soul to, in a way, teach us and draw us toward him because he is the source, ultimately, of all of our desires, and certainly with safety. God wants us to know that he is the one that has a plan for our life and keeps us safe.

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Mark Laaser

I think, strangely enough, one of the antidotes to anxiety is humor, by the way. And so I have a conversation, you know, with each other. Those of you that are listening. But what are some of the humorous things you do to try to control your universe symbolically? Well, I think I'm even laughing thinking about some of my.

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Randy Evert

I think when you take a look at some of the crazy things that we do to control our lives. I think that there is a lot of humor within those walls. Thank you for joining us today on the Faithful and True podcast. We hope that you have enjoyed this presentation, and we hope that the information has been beneficial to you.

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Randy Evert

We'd also like to invite you to visit our website, Faithful and true.com, where you'll find lots of helpful information and other connections that would bring you to a number of our other podcasts that you will enjoy. In the meantime, we hope that the coming week for you will be a week that's filled with many blessings and with great vision.