The Desire for Affirmation

Episode #298

Mark Laaser

This week. If we're searching for affirmation, what do we do? I think this desire is one of the desires that is behind what has historically in our field been called codependency, meaning that we're desperate for affirmation. We want people to like us. We want people to not reject us and leave us. So what have we done to, in effect, lose ourselves?

Mark Laaser

So this is one of the big points that Debbie talks about all the time with the wives that she works with. How have you lost yourself trying to please someone else, hoping that they will be affirming? What have you said yes to that you didn't really want to get yourself involved in? What have you gone along with and not objected to because you were afraid of not pleasing someone else?

Randy Evert

Welcome to the podcast. I'm Randy Everett, your co-host, and on today's show, we'd like to feature an A legacy episode with doctor Mark laser. In this episode, Mark and I are talking about the seven desires, and today's episode is the desire for affirmations. This is a powerful series which I'm sure you will enjoy. Here now is doctor Mark laser and the Faithful and True podcast.

Mark Laaser

Welcome to our show today, Randy. We're continuing our discussion of the seven desires. Today we're getting to desire number two, the desire we all have for affirmation.

Randy Evert

Affirmation is one of those desires, Mark, that has got universal appeal because we all love to be affirmed. And at the same time, I personally subscribed to the school of thought that I try to be an encourager, and I think that affirmations and being an encourager a lot of times not only makes it easier to deal with people, and maybe that goes hand in hand with just being a, you know, a positive type person.

Randy Evert

But I'm wandering off track here. The second desire, the desire to be affirmed. And what have you got to tell our listeners about that?

Mark Laaser

Well, I think, by the way, before we leave your wondering off track, I think it's not a bad little element of this that we're talking about the desires that we all have inside our heart for certain things. Last week we talked about the desire to be heard and understood. You know, Debbie and I feel that God has put these desires in all of our hearts, actually, to draw us closer to him and to draw us into community with other people who are capable of being good listeners, as in the case last week and this week.

Mark Laaser

I think what you're saying there is that, you know, not only do we all long to be affirmed, but but one of our goals for our emotional and spiritual maturity and development is to be encouragers or to be a people who know how to give out affirmation.

Randy Evert

Well, I really think that it's one of those strongest desires that many of us do experience, you know, just based on the even put yourself in the workplace environment. All of us have that desire to be told that we're doing a good job to say that, you know, I received I received the work that you did last night and it looks fantastic or whatever.

Randy Evert

To be affirmed is to give that encouragement that in so many cases, motivates, motivates, you know, it motivates people to to work even harder, to take the next steps, to also pass it on. Because I think that when you encourage people, when you affirm people, you know, you leave work that day feeling great about yourself, feeling great about the people you work for.

Randy Evert

And when you get home, you kind of bring that attitude with you, and all of a sudden you're complimenting your wife and you're, you know, you're you're praising your kids for what they accomplished today or whatever. I think it's a very contagious desire.

Mark Laaser

Yeah. I think that's kind of what you're pointing to. We had a guy in group last night who, because of his sexual acting out with a woman at work, decided to. And correctly so, I think very healthily. So he decided to find a new job because he needed to get away from that affair partner. So he did find a new job at a new company, you know, big promotion, big salary increase, you know, and that was all great.

Mark Laaser

But what he was describing last night is that the the boss of this company is rather universally critical. You send the boss an email about whatever it is you're working on, and he he sends it back and corrects your grammar or corrects your, your punctuation or, you know, that's kind of hypercritical. And he was lamenting the fact that while on the one hand, he made a healthy choice, on another, it hasn't landed him in such a healthy work environment.

Mark Laaser

One of the things, I think that we always encourage people to think about when we help them understand this desire, is as you think back over your life, and we're always trying to create moments for our listening audience to perhaps pause the recording and maybe have a conversation with your group or your spouse or someone. If you think back in the course of your life who were the encouragers?

Mark Laaser

Who were the people who were affirming? Think of the category of your parents. Other family members. Think of teachers. Think of people at church. Think of people in the neighborhood, clubs, coaches. You know, those kinds of wide cultural experiences that you had. Who were the encouragers? Who were the people who were capable of affirming you? And as you think back on those people, ask yourself the question, who had the greatest influence on my life in terms of direction or in terms of motivation, or in terms of my sense of calling?

Mark Laaser

I clearly think that it was the encouragers or the affirming who have a very positive effect on even the directions we take in life.

Randy Evert

Well, as soon as you said that, to think back over time to those people, it's funny how often you say something and I immediately get a very clear vision of a valid example for me. And sometimes the people who turned out to be your favorite teachers so many times were some of the best people at affirming you, you know, why were they such a good teacher?

Randy Evert

Were they just such a great spreader of of the knowledge.

Mark Laaser

Of information.

Randy Evert

Of information? Or did they really? In my case, as I thought of my favorite teachers, not only did I learn a lot from them, but I was also bolstered by their comments and their encouragement and whether the assignment be a particularly different one. I think back and activities that I was involved in in high school, whether that be theater or sports, which were, you know, drama theater, sports were the three big areas.

Randy Evert

And in all of those, I received affirmation that really so many times is the foundation of your self-confidence. We've all met people who maybe in their 50s, and they are totally lacking in confidence. And a lot of times you kind of wonder along the way. Was there just a great lack of affirmation in this person's life?

Mark Laaser

Well, you know, by the way, I hope our listeners are having examples of people in their life come to mind. I think that would be great. As you were mentioning, high school teachers, I remember one of mine who told me at one point that she thought I was a good writer. Well, what do I do? I mean, what is one of the things I do today?

Mark Laaser

And that is right. And I think I'm just going to go ahead and say your name, Eleanor Davis from York High School. She was one of the most gifted journalism teachers, I think, in the country, and she was nationally recognized for that. But she was an encourager.

Randy Evert

Well, we'd like to thank her then personally for helping to mentor you and turn you into, you know, the writer that you are today.

Mark Laaser

Well, you know, so hopefully other people besides ourselves who are listening are coming up with their own examples. Now, maybe when we get to after the break, I think one of the problems, let's say we are 50 or 60 or whatever we are, and we we have a hard time with a positive self-esteem. Sometimes we need to look at the fact that there is something called anti affirmation, which is otherwise known as criticism.

Mark Laaser

I mean, a lot of the people that come through our doors here grew up with lots and lots of criticism.

Randy Evert

Well, that's because a lot of home environments were based around negative attitudes or critical attitudes. Parents who were, you know, demanding and not affirming. And there's a fine line there, too, because I think that we all need direction from our parents. But along the way, you would also like to get that that affirming encouragement that helps young kids excel.

Mark Laaser

I think that one of the things we obviously need to talk about with this one, after, you know, there are listeners and the people we work with have had a chance to kind of understand their history and their families and, you know, all of that and say, who are the encouragers? Who are the people who affirmed you? Who are the people who were critical?

Mark Laaser

Who were the people who gave you, you know, negative messages or shame based messages? One of the things to look at next, then, is over the course of your life, what have you done to try to receive affirmation? So last week we talked about, for example, if we've never felt heard, we might get very tempted to talk more loudly.

Mark Laaser

Well, this week, if we're searching for affirmation, what do we do? I think this desire is one of the desires that is behind what has historically in our field been called codependency, meaning that we're desperate for affirmation. We want people to like us. We want people to not reject us and leave us. So what have we done to, in effect, lose ourselves?

Mark Laaser

How have you been a placate or a pleaser, in other words? So those are some of the things to think about, I think. And one of the other things that I think about when I think about this one is that I think a lot of us who are on the side of workaholism that, you know, we really get ourselves lost in, in work.

Mark Laaser

There's a part of us that's hoping that the next accomplishment, the next milestone, the next raise, the next promotion, the next accomplishment, whatever it is, will finally give us the affirmation that we've so desperately sought.

Randy Evert

And I think that's a pretty natural tendency for most people. It seems to be the, you know, people that have got a a well-established work ethic seem to be driven by that. They seem to be driven by accomplishment, hard work. It's almost like a math equation. You know, hard work plus good attitude equals.

Mark Laaser

You know, something, right?

Randy Evert

Right. That kind of thing. And yet I've met people who make it difficult or uncomfortable trying to give them affirmation. And why is that?

Mark Laaser

Well, that's a great question, Randy, because I think just as there is anti affirmation, there is something called manipulative affirmation. So I know that one of the ways I think my father particularly controlled me, like, for example, my dad would never have told me directly, Mark, I think you need to go into ministry. But everything in me that he would affirm with would lead me in that direction, you know?

Mark Laaser

So I think my dad had his own agenda. And rather than be direct and blatant with it, he was very affirming. But but his affirmation at some level did not always feel genuine or not genuine. Maybe that's not the right word. It didn't. It didn't always feel like there there wasn't an agenda. There was always something that he needed right in return for the affirmation, if that makes any sense.

Mark Laaser

Sure. So these are the people like you were like you were asking if you give them an affirmation, there will always be a yes. But so in other words, Randy, you the other night when we came over to your house for dinner and you made that that lovely casserole that you did, it was absolutely marvelous.

Randy Evert

I've known I've known for my casserole.

Mark Laaser

Well, if you had said yes, but, you know, it needed more salt. It needed more of this. It needed more that there's some of us that are resistant to affirmation because we have been controlled by affirmation. I think that's what we're trying to say.

Randy Evert

I once played golf with a guy for an entire weekend, that there's an annual group of guys that for nearly 30 years we've been going to this same golf course in northern Minnesota. And this one year we had a guy filling in for one of our regular guys, and this guy was definitely odd, but he's the kind of guy who would hit an excellent shot and we'd go, wow, Dave, great shot.

Randy Evert

And it would barely come out of your mouth. And he'd say, yeah, but if I had done this, you know, it would have been in the hole or something like that.

Mark Laaser

It was 1 or 2 yards.

Randy Evert

I was, I was off, I was off by 18in from where I was shooting. And I went, oh, well, I'm happy when I hit the green. What are you talking about? You know, but but it's funny because there are some people that are just not armed with the willingness to take the comment in the spirit that it's meant.

Mark Laaser

Well. That's right. And I think we also need to be aware ourselves when we're giving. And are we giving them superficially or we're giving them, you know, as a matter of perfunctory messages in our head that I should affirm that, but we don't really mean it. So and I think, you know, all of us who've been parents, I mean, I think there are times when we see things in our kids and we want to be affirming, but we have to be careful, like, you know, that we're not just affirming things that we want to see them do again and again and again.

Mark Laaser

You also.

Randy Evert

You also need to be careful that you're not affirming one child over another.

Mark Laaser

That's another dilemma that some get into. That's exactly right. So you see, you know, this whole affirmation category of desire. We all desire it and we all desire it to be genuine, authentic, heartfelt. And we don't need it to be superficial or manipulative, that kind of thing. And we all need to watch out for, you know, what are the things we're doing to placate?

Mark Laaser

Please try to help, you know, people not be mad at us or how are we at times losing ourselves in order to prevent someone else from being critical of us or leaving us? I think that's also an important part of this desire.

Randy Evert

I think that that point itself makes this desire especially relevant to married couples.

Mark Laaser

Yeah. Oh, you would bring marriage into this?

Randy Evert

Well, it just seems to be a hand in hand, you know, kind of situation with affirmation and the, you know, your ability to make your point in a proactive, positive affirmation way versus turning the tables on your spouse and trying to kind of bull in a China shop your way into getting your way.

Mark Laaser

Right. Well, there again, I mean, I think you can try to get your way by being manipulative, affirming. You can also try to get your way by being critical. I think, though, that that genuine sense of affirmation, which is also about, you know, affirmation is about appreciation. I know one of the early level conversations that Debbie and I had is that, you know, I think due to years of smoking a pipe, you know, I've destroyed all taste buds.

Mark Laaser

Well, I don't really appreciate good food. You know, you could be three days old and stale, or it could be freshly produced and I wouldn't know the difference. So Debbie, on the other hand, you know, takes some pride in producing or cooking something that tastes good. And I just I just don't have an appreciation of it.

Mark Laaser

I literally.

Randy Evert

Don't you must be a joy to live with. Well, that's for sure.

Mark Laaser

We should have her on the show and she can confirm some of this. I'm just saying that that those of us that are spouses, we need to be aware of affirming in an authentic and genuine way the things that we do, in fact, appreciate in our spouse. And that takes a while. And that takes practice at times. Well, certainly once we get past the affirmation stage.

Mark Laaser

Once or I'm sorry, the did I say the infatuation.

Randy Evert

Infatuation stage. Yeah. The this particular desire to be affirmed seems to have a universal application to it, though, because we're it can be a powerful element of your marital relationship or your family dynamic. It's also one that kind of translates pretty powerfully across the board to dealing with people in all walks of life your relationships at work, your your ability to.

Randy Evert

I think that a person that is aware of all seven of of the desires that you and Debbie explained so beautifully in Seven Desires of Every Heart. When a person is aware of these desires, I think that it heightens your your sensitivities or your radar in dealing with people.

Mark Laaser

Well, I think it does. Hopefully, if you practice with your primary relationships, how to do this in a genuine, loving, authentic, sincere way, it begins to permeate then your other relationships and you become an affirming person and an encourager. And I think that's that's a great spiritual gift in ourselves to seek to develop through. In fact, it's in fact a spiritual discipline, I think, to be an encourager.

Randy Evert

Well, let's wrap up today's show then, with with a final thought that you want to send our listeners away. And based on this desire to be affirmed.

Mark Laaser

Well, as we say throughout the the book and throughout our speaking and teaching around this, who is the source of all affirmation? Who is the one who loves us truly, unconditionally? And that would be God. So when we're looking at the depth of our soul for where we are affirmed, we always need to look to God first. Then I think we need to look to save people who are encouraged.

Mark Laaser

I think one of the things I teach the men all the time, you have a choice on a daily basis who you're going to hang out with. Are you going to hang out with negative, critical people? Are you going to hang out with positive and encouraging people? And. Well, I'm afraid of that person. Well, that's exactly the point.

Mark Laaser

You know, find encouragers to hang out with, find truth tellers authentic, sincere and safe people. That's what we preach here all the time, the value of community. And we pray all the time for those who listen, that they will be people who are in community with safe people. And in terms of today's show, people who are affirming and who are encouragers.

Randy Evert

Thank you for joining us today on the Faithful and True podcast. We enjoy bringing you these legacy presentations featuring doctor Mark laser. Today's episode is one of the ones taken from the Seven Desires collection, and I'm sure you will benefit from the words of wisdom coming from Doctor Laser here. We would also like to invite you to visit our website, Faithful and True, where you'll find many available resources to you that you will find very helpful and interesting.

Randy Evert

Go to Faithful and True to find out the information about our services, as well as the online registration for our three day intensive workshops. In the meantime, we hope that the coming day for you will be a day filled with many blessings and with great vision.