Surrendering in Recovery

Surrender, Control, and Finding Freedom in Recovery

Faithful & True Podcast Transcript

Understanding Anxiety, Control, and the Illusion of Safety

Dr. Greg Miller:

One of the things that is true is that when we are experiencing anxiety and fear, those emotions are often indicators that we perceive ourselves as unsafe.

They function like warning lights on a dashboard—signals that something is not right internally. When we feel unsafe, one of the most common responses is to try to create safety through control.

I often tell the men in our workshops that if someone has ever called you controlling—or even a “control freak”—that is usually an indicator of how unsafe you feel in your own life.

The great irony is this:

When we feel anxious and unsafe, we instinctively try to take control. But the healing process is actually counterintuitive.

Instead of trying to control what cannot be controlled, recovery invites us to:

Surrender to our lack of control.

Podcast Introduction

Randy Evert (Co-Host):

Welcome to the Faithful & True Podcast. I’m Randy Evert, your co-host.

We’re glad to have you with us today, along with our usual host, Dr. Greg Miller, and our special guest from the Faithful & True team, Elizabeth Hardesty.

Today’s conversation focuses on a powerful and often misunderstood topic:

Surrender

This topic is especially relevant for individuals and couples navigating:

• Sex addiction

• Porn addiction

• Betrayal trauma

• Marriage recovery

• And the journey toward posttraumatic growth

Surrender vs. Acquiescence

Elizabeth Hardesty:

Surrender is a complex concept, and it’s often misunderstood.

In the language we use at Faithful & True:

• Wise adults surrender

• Survivors acquiesce

There is a critical difference.

Acquiescence is passive:

• It gives away agency

• It allows circumstances to define us

• It moves us into a victim posture

Surrender, on the other hand, is active:

• It begins with naming reality

• It acknowledges what is true

• It involves choosing to engage with that reality

Surrender is not about being overpowered—it is about stepping into truth and reclaiming agency within that truth.

Dr. Greg Miller:

That distinction is so important.

Surrender is not “giving up.”It is letting go.

It is the intentional choice to accept reality and respond to it wisely.

Facing Reality: The First Step of Healing

Elizabeth Hardesty:

Surrender begins with truth.

We must be willing to ask:

• What is my reality right now?

• What is actually true?

This can be incredibly difficult—especially for those experiencing betrayal trauma or discovering a partner’s sex addiction or porn addiction.

New reality often feels overwhelming.

There is a tension between:

• What we thought was true

• What we are now discovering

It takes time to integrate that reality.

Illustration: The Skydiving Experience

Elizabeth shares an example of skydiving:

When she jumped out of the plane, the experience was so intense and unfamiliar that she couldn’t fully process it in the moment. Only after landing did the reality begin to settle in.

This mirrors what many experience in betrayal trauma:

• The shock is immediate

• The processing takes time

• Reality unfolds gradually

Living in Truth: Avoiding Extremes

Elizabeth Hardesty:

When facing difficult realities, people often move toward one of two extremes:

1. Minimizing

• “It’s not that bad”

• Common in those struggling with sex addiction or porn addiction

2. Catastrophizing

• “There is no hope”

• Common in those experiencing betrayal trauma

The goal is neither of these.

The goal is to right-size reality:

• To live in truth

• To stay grounded in the present moment

Dr. Greg Miller:

If there is no hope, it often means we have stepped outside of truth.

Because of who God is, there is always hope—even in the most painful circumstances.

Powerlessness and Agency

Elizabeth Hardesty:

A key part of surrender is identifying:

• What am I powerless over?

• Where do I still have agency?

For example:

• I am powerless over another person’s choices

• I am powerless over certain circumstances

But I am not powerless over:

• My responses

• My boundaries

• My healing journey

Dr. Greg Miller:

This is where the wisdom of recovery comes in:

Knowing the difference between what we can control and what we cannot.

Even in powerlessness, we still have choices.

Surrender in Relationships and Marriage Recovery

Elizabeth Hardesty:

In marriage recovery after betrayal trauma, this becomes very practical.

For example:A wife may realize:

• She cannot control her husband’s recovery choices

• She cannot force change

But she can:

• Invest in her own healing

• Establish boundaries

• Create safety for herself

This is not punishment—it is healthy agency.

Staying Present Instead of “Future-Tripping”

Elizabeth Hardesty:

Another challenge is trying to control the future.

We often:

• Project outcomes months or years ahead

• Try to solve problems we don’t yet have enough information for

Surrender invites us to:

• Focus on today

• Respond to current reality

• Take the next right step

Surrender in Addiction Recovery

Dr. Greg Miller:

This principle applies directly to sex addiction and porn addiction recovery.

The first step is:

Admitting powerlessness over the addiction.

But this does not mean:

• “I have no power at all”

It means:

• I am powerless in my addiction

• But I am powerful in my recovery

That is where agency returns.

Why Surrender Feels Counterintuitive

Randy Evert:

Surrender often feels unnatural—like doing the opposite of what instinct tells us.

Examples include:

• Driving on ice → turning into the skid

• Being caught in a current → going with the flow

• Whitewater rafting → navigating, not controlling the river

Dr. Greg Miller:

Life often feels like whitewater rafting.

The river will take you where it is going.

But you still have choices:

• How you navigate

• What tools you use

• Who is in the boat with you

The Role of Community in Healing

Recovery is not meant to be done alone.

We need:

• Supportive community

• Wise guides

• People who can hold hope when we cannot

This is especially critical in:

• Betrayal trauma recovery

• Sex addiction recovery

• Marriage healing

Letting Go: The Heart of Surrender

Dr. Greg Miller:

A helpful question is:

What am I holding onto that I need to release?

It may be:

• Control

• Image or reputation

• Expectations

• Fear

Surrender requires letting go.

As one saying goes:

“Let go, or be dragged.”

Surrender Is Not Weakness

Elizabeth Hardesty:

Surrender is not passive, and it is not weakness.

It requires:

• Courage

• Trust

• Honesty

It is an empowered choice to live in truth and move forward with wisdom.

Dr. Greg Miller:

Surrender is not giving up.

It is choosing to move forward with:

• Clarity

• Integrity

• Purpose

Closing Encouragement

Randy Evert:

Thank you for joining us on the Faithful & True Podcast.

If you are navigating:

• Sex addiction

• Porn addiction

• Betrayal trauma

• Or the journey of marriage recovery

We encourage you to visit faithfulandtrue.com for resources, workshops, and support.

Final Thought

Surrender is the doorway to freedom.

And through that doorway, many discover not only healing—but true posttraumatic growth.