Powerless, Not Hopeless

Dr. Mark Laaser

You know, here's a basic statement that I think is true. Fantasies are a symptom of an unmet desire of the heart. That's where I want listeners to pause. We think that one of the ways to take charge of fantasies, to take every thought captive, and we've talked about this before on the show, but I think it bears repeating.

Dr. Mark Laaser

And that is that if you if you want to get rid of fantasies, interview them and take that which is what you would do with a prisoner and ask them, what is the message you're sending me about some desire of my heart, some desire of my soul at a very deep level.

Randy Evert

Welcome to the Faithful and True podcast. I'm Randy Everett, your co-host, and today we'd like to offer you a legacy presentation featuring Doctor Marc Lazar and myself. The subject of today's podcast is powerlessness. Here now is doctor Mark Lazar and the Faithful and True podcast.

Dr. Mark Laaser

Randy. We're going to continue our pursuit of the Faithful and True workbook. Now we're on unit eight, which is about powerlessness. And Mark, I.

Randy Evert

Think that the listeners are going to appreciate this, this unit, as you point out in the in the Faithful and True workbook, which all of these this current study that you and I are doing is based on the Faithful and True workbook. This unit has a, a a focal passage to start out that says, the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men.

Randy Evert

It teaches us to say no to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in this present age. That comes from Titus two 1112.

Dr. Mark Laaser

We don't often read Titus.

Randy Evert

No, I was I was actually I was actually surprised to see this passage because Titus is not is not quoted that often. You've got a great memory verse in here, though, that says, those who sleep, sleep at night, those who get drunk, get drunk at night. But since we belong to the day, let us be self-controlled, putting on faith and love as a breastplate and the hope of salvation as a helmet.

Randy Evert

And that comes from one Thessalonians. You know, in this unit, Mark, I see that the growth goal in this unit is that the listeners or the readers will examine key components of addiction. You'll evaluate yourself, which I think is a powerful tool that you invite the readers to often do is to take a look at their own story and to to list back to their first sexual experiences and, and in how how that happened.

Randy Evert

And was there shame and guilt associated with that first experience? Are you powerless over certain behaviors? The sexual fantasy and ritual lead to repeated acts that cause you to despair. Do you become rigid in your efforts to control yourself?

Dr. Mark Laaser

Well, all of that is an example of one of the areas of our life that could be powerless. And, you know, a little bit later on in the show today, we're going to talk about powerless thoughts. You know, our fantasies and so forth. But basically we start with any behaviors that we do that are powerless in nature. I was just thinking, as we as we start the show today, so probably just own the fact that I am powerless over my voice.

Randy Evert

You know, for a quick moment, I can imagine that some of our listeners were imagining that we had a special guest again this week and in this case, either James Earl Jones or perhaps if he were still alive, Barry White.

Dr. Mark Laaser

Barry White. Yes. Now, there's a name from the past. At least I'm, I think, halfway understandable, even though my voice is a little bit lower. But yeah, there are there are certain things in life that we have no control over germs, viruses, coals, you know, whatever else it is. So. But this this section is more about, you know, times in our life where we have said to ourselves that we wanted to stop something and haven't been able to.

Dr. Mark Laaser

Powerlessness is also about wanting to start something and not being able to. And I think as we move into the new year here very shortly, there are going to be lots of people that make those proverbial resolutions about something they want to stop or start. And this is, I think, a really good theme for us, you know, as we move into that, to just think about.

Randy Evert

Well, I think it's coincidental that we happen to be coming on this subject at this time of year because it is natural that we are to that time of year when people take a look at their lives and they look at look at their habits and behaviors and make their New Year's resolutions. And this would certainly be one for any of the men that are out there that are struggling with these issues, with sexual purity issues with attractions to to pornography, that they have been up to this point, unable to manage the lesson.

Randy Evert

One of this section is actually unmanageable acting out.

Dr. Mark Laaser

Unmanageable acting out, which is about, you know, any kind of addictive activity for that matter, any. I mean, this workbook is obviously about sexual sin and addiction, but that could that could apply to any of our listeners or anybody who might just be accidentally tuning in. That's dealing with alcoholism, eating, smoking, gambling, perhaps even during this season of Christmas spending.

Dr. Mark Laaser

That would be another one that some people have a lot of powerlessness around. By the way, the list of unmanageable activities are legion. I mean, it could be just about anything, right?

Randy Evert

And what you do in the workbook that I appreciated is, you know, you invite the reader or in our case today, the listener, to take a look at their life to assess those forms of acting out and being honest about it. And I like that you list as a key point in the book that honesty is the beginning of sexual healing.

Dr. Mark Laaser

That's right. We have a lot of very kind of pithy sayings. You know, the greatest enemy of sexual health is silence. So in other words, how many of you in your powerlessness have not ever talked to anybody because you have that core belief that if other people knew me, they'd hate me and leave me? So you remain in silence and you lie.

Dr. Mark Laaser

I mean, people ask you if you're struggling with something and you've lied about it. Lying can sometimes be a symptom of powerlessness. In other words, you may have made a commitment to yourself to tell the truth about something and then you're not able to do it. And that is rather powerless also.

Randy Evert

So one of your one of a person's New Year's resolutions might be a new sense of of taking an honest look at themselves.

Dr. Mark Laaser

Yeah. And the way to get out of powerlessness is actually to accept that you're powerless. Which sounds somewhat counterintuitive, but it definitely is the first step of the healing journey. And we've talked about this any number of times before, I think. Randy. But when the 12 steps, which has brought millions of people out of alcoholism, starts with step one, which talks about being powerless and having an unmanageable problem in my life.

Dr. Mark Laaser

You know, that's just an indication that that's where the healing journey begins.

Randy Evert

Well, I like that this first lesson invites the reader to repeat the affirmation. The past several weeks, we have been stressing the importance of meditation and affirmations because they can have a positive, very positive effect on how we look at things. And the affirmation that comes with this first lesson says that I want to find sexual sobriety, and I will.

Dr. Mark Laaser

That's good. It's all about the willingness, question and willingness, really. If we were trying to tie everything together and say that affirmation a number of times to yourself is basically that you're willing to own, that you've made lots of attempts to stop and haven't been able to. There's a list here, Randy, of sample questions that you might ask yourself.

Dr. Mark Laaser

And since a lot of our listeners don't necessarily have a workbook, why don't you? Just because your voice is normal, why don't you just go ahead and tell us what that list is?

Randy Evert

Normal is a relative term. You know, there are others that may contest that statement.

Dr. Mark Laaser

Normal for you.

Randy Evert

Not normal for me. Those questions that you're mentioning, Mark, it's actually a list of characteristics that reflect unmanageable and powerlessness. And they read as follows. Number one, I went further with a sexual experience than I intended. Number two, I used money for sex that I needed for something else. Number three, I lied about sex to someone I love or to someone who trusts me.

Randy Evert

Number four I used work time to be sexual. Number five, I pretended to be someone other than who I am in order to be sexual. Six I did something sexual despite the threat of being caught. Next, I became sexual despite the fear of sexually transmitted diseases. I did something sexual that I don't like doing in order to please someone else.

Randy Evert

I did something that is sexually painful. I violated my beliefs. Despite many pledges to stop. In the final, I voided social or family obligations in order to be sexual.

Dr. Mark Laaser

Yeah, that's not a complete list. I mean, there are lots of other different kinds of statements we could make, but even as you were reading it, Randy, I was just remembering back to my own history of 25 years of doing that kind of stuff. And it's going to bring up for people who are listening and taking this seriously.

Dr. Mark Laaser

It's going to bring up that kind of sense of shame that is part of this whole problem. You know, how many times did I say to myself, I was not going to lie? I was only going to look at internet pornography for five minutes, and the next thing I knew, it was four hours later. How many times did I do something to please another person, to maintain their presence in my life?

Dr. Mark Laaser

And I just totally compromise things that I believe in. So I think a lot of listeners can can recognize this. And, you know, this list again, could be applied to so many other things, not just sexuality.

Randy Evert

Well, I'm afraid as as we are reading them, I can only imagine too many men out there. The answer was yes.

Dr. Mark Laaser

Yeah. That's right. And if the answer is yes, and maybe you're a first time listener to the show today, if the answer is yes to several of those questions that you just read, Randy, then I would definitely take a bold step here as we go into the new year and reach out for some help.

Randy Evert

Let's move ahead back to the the lesson that we're about to take a look at now that we had talked about the unmanageable acting out. The second lesson in this section does deal with fantasies. And although fantasies to a certain extent have been addressed in the past, fantasies are such a major component of sexual purity struggle.

Dr. Mark Laaser

I was thinking that even a segue from our trigger of the week is that when you see some of this kind of stuff that we've been describing and occasionally describe on the trigger of the week, it kind of it contributes to our fantasies. It it leads us to believe, for example, that there are lust objects out there in the world, like some of the famous, you know, performers and so forth.

Dr. Mark Laaser

And that, you know, a lot of the men that I talked to, they think, well, if only I could be with a woman who was like that, you know, that passionate, that attractive, that willing, that available, that sexual, then, you know, my life would be fine. You know, that's that's one of the contributing factors of a lot of the, the, the, the media that's out there.

Dr. Mark Laaser

But but fantasies are some kind of picture that we create that we think will bring to us some of the desires of our heart. So let's be fair, Randy, that fantasies can extend way beyond just sexual or romantic fantasies. That's that's kind of one of the places I always like to start, because a lot of the people out there that might be listening, including some of the the spouses of the men that we work with, you know, they may think, well, it's my husband that fantasizes, but I think we all have fantasies at some level.

Randy Evert

Well, you have pointed out to us in the past, and it it's such an accurate statement that fantasy is the cornerstone of sexual sin in the first stage of the addiction cycle. Being able to manage fantasy will be critical to your ability to stay sexually sober. In the in the workbook, you invite the reader to put a checkbox by the boxes of the statements that seem to fit the individual, and they're asking you, do you think about sex while at work?

Randy Evert

Thinking? Do you think about having sex with people that you know? Do you find that movies, TV, or magazines contribute to your images of sex? Do you fantasize about someone else when you're being sexual with your spouse?

Dr. Mark Laaser

That's a tough one.

Randy Evert

That's a really big one there, isn't it? Do you think about sexual experiences that you've already had? Do you think about sexual experiences that you'd like to have? Do you fantasize about sex in order to get to sleep at night? And do you think do you find that thinking about sex relaxes you?

Dr. Mark Laaser

Interesting isn't it? Well, it basically, some of that points to the fact that even sexual fantasy, without any kind of activity attached to it, will lead to a neurochemistry in the brain. I mean, when you think about some of the stuff that we could easily describe but won't, I mean, it leads to adrenaline, it leads to dopamine release in the brain and and dopamine and adrenaline in combination has been compared to cocaine.

Dr. Mark Laaser

So, you know, fantasies have the ability to almost be crack cocaine, you know, and and it does have a high attached to it at other points. It has a relaxing quality attached to it. And a lot of the people I've worked with over the years that it is one of the sleep medications that they use.

Randy Evert

Well, it's amazing because the question definitely point towards the fantasies having a medicinal effect on you, whether it is to invigorate and excite you, or whether it is to decompress your anxieties and relax you.

Dr. Mark Laaser

That's right. And as we, you know, continue on with this. You know, sometimes we like to pause and and just challenge the listeners even to maybe, you know, turn off the show for a minute and just think to themselves or, you know, right, or journal something. But, you know, here's a basic statement that I think is true. Fantasies are a symptom of an unmet desire of the heart.

Dr. Mark Laaser

That's where I want listeners to pause. We think that one of the ways to take charge of fantasies, to take every thought captive, and we've talked about this before on the show, but I think it bears repeating, and that is that if you if you want to get rid of fantasies, interview them and take that which is what you would do with the prisoner and ask them, what is the message you're sending me about some desire of my heart, some desire of my soul at a very deep level.

Dr. Mark Laaser

Am I lonely? And in my fantasies, I have lots of friends. I have lots of attention, lots of attraction, lots of people wanting to be with me. Am I full of shame? And in my in my fantasies I get lots of affirmations from people. And by the way, you know, we could talk about a lot of different kinds of fantasies, including athletic fantasies that, you know, bring us lots of affirmations at every level.

Dr. Mark Laaser

I think whatever kind of fantasy we have sexual, romantic, monetary in nature, athletic in nature, by the way, I'm really kind of disappointed that I didn't win the mega Malians, you know, last night. Again, it could have something to do with the fact that I didn't buy a ticket. But, you know, $656 million would go a long way toward advancing the cause of this ministry, don't you think?

Randy Evert

I would have been looking for at least a little something special in my Christmas envelope?

Dr. Mark Laaser

Well, I can I can assure you.

Randy Evert

That you would have.

Dr. Mark Laaser

I would have done that, Randy. It would have been the least I could do. But I mean, isn't it fun, though, that we get into fantasies about what we would do even with lots of money? But when you think about fantasies about lots of money, you know, what are the desires of your soul or of your heart? One of them could simply be to be safe.

Dr. Mark Laaser

You know, if I had all of that kind of money.

Randy Evert

We'd be secure.

Dr. Mark Laaser

We'd be secure and safe in the world.

Randy Evert

My wife has a wonderful saying that when we talk about things like the lottery is that, you know, if only we would win, we'd be wonderful rich people. We'd really be generous and giving and support to the church even more than we do. And, you know, reach out to the poor and and needy and really, really help out.

Dr. Mark Laaser

Well, sometimes we even bargain with God about our finances. Like, kind of like what you're saying. God, I would tithe, I would do whatever. But, you know, I think there's so much of us that longs for acceptance, affirmation, being included in things, being known, being safe in the world, even our sexual fantasies, you know, some of them go back and they they are trying to to manage some of our oldest thoughts about ourselves, that we're unattractive or that we're undesirable or that we'll never, you know, have a satisfying relationship.

Dr. Mark Laaser

And, you know, even the even the countless numbers of people out there that are reading the romance novels as we speak. I mean, they're basically trying to solve even some older wounds about themselves, about never being in that kind of passionate relationship.

Randy Evert

Or the life that they don't lead, that they'd like to lead.

Dr. Mark Laaser

Exactly. Yet. And one of the things I think we want to talk about here is that that fantasies are generally the picture or the, the story that I create in my head. You know, in other words, I created I'm the author of my fantasies, and I create them in order to fulfill some long established dream, hope, quest, desire that you know, that I long for.

Randy Evert

Well, I like in the workbook because you ask. Have you ever told yourself to just say no to sexual fantasy? And if so, did that work?

Dr. Mark Laaser

Well, I'm laughing because there are so many things out there in the Christian world about just saying, just saying, stop it. You know, just say no. Just get rid of it. There are some crazy solutions that are out there about looking away, looking up, looking down, avoiding things. I don't need to get into it. We've talked about it in some previous shows, but the question for the listeners is, you know, does it really work to tell yourself to stop something?

Dr. Mark Laaser

Because a lot of us have discovered that the stronger we tell ourselves to stop, the stronger the thought of the fantasy actually gets.

Randy Evert

Well, you make the key point in this. In this section, you list making healthy choices about meeting underlying emotional feelings and needs will take the power of sexual fantasy away.

Dr. Mark Laaser

That is right. Basically, one of the principles here is that if fantasy is in fact the symptom of one of our unfulfilled desires, one of our unmet needs, one of our one of our deepest longings of our heart, one of the ways to get out of fantasizing is, first of all, to accept that these longings, these needs, these desires are in fact legitimate.

Dr. Mark Laaser

They're their desires that God put in our heart their desires for community, fellowship, affirmation, kindness, gentleness, nurture, love. I mean, these are all these are all things that are deep inside all of our hearts that we all in fact, need. Now, if we simply tell the fantasy to go away in a in a in a fashion, we are also telling us to stop having those desires.

Dr. Mark Laaser

So that's one place to start. It's a good thing to accept that your fantasy is a symptom of a realistic, natural, and healthy desire. Now, what the fantasy is, though, is our own attempt to meet that need. And sometimes that fantasy will lead us off into sinful activity. What we need to do is figure out what are the healthier ways to meet those needs.

Dr. Mark Laaser

If we need love or safety or whatever else it is, what are some of the healthier ways that we can do that?

Randy Evert

Well, as we wrap up today's show, now we are roughly a week, week and a half from the end of the year when our listeners will be preparing themselves for these these thoughts of of resolutions for the New Year. What what would you like to invite the listeners to do in preparation that was going to help them with today's subject?

Dr. Mark Laaser

Well, the whole theme of this unit that we're on and are going to continue into the new Year is powerlessness. So I guess one of the ways to wrap up what we were just talking about is to recognize, of course, that your thought life can be one of those powerless or unmanageable dynamics in your life, that the more you tell yourself to stop thinking about something, the more you think about it.

Dr. Mark Laaser

So powerlessness and the solution and the healing strategy out of it is to talk to other people about it and to get honest, stop line, stop covering up. And that's easier said than done. But I would challenge the listeners as we go into the new year to think about in their life who might be the safe people in their life, who are some, perhaps people that they already know that would be safe to talk to?

Dr. Mark Laaser

And that may be a challenge for some, because, you know, they have that core belief that people will just hate them if they get honest about this stuff. I guarantee you that if you experiment, you will find that there are at least some people for whom that is not true. And that is part of our challenge, as we want to make changes in our life to find safe people and safe community.

Randy Evert

Thank you for joining us today on the Faithful and True podcast. We hope that you've enjoyed this legacy presentation featuring doctor Mark Lazar. The title of today's podcast was powerlessness. We hope that you found this to be a helpful and impactful podcast for you. We'd also like to invite you to visit our Faithful and True website that's faithful and true.

Randy Evert

Com where you'll find many available resources and free information and online registration for our three day intensive workshops. That's faithful and and true. For more information and great resources. In the meantime, we hope that this coming week will be a week for you that's filled with many blessings and with great vision.