Guarding Your Heart

Greg Miller

You know, it's interesting how much the Scripture talks about the importance of being wise when you choose your friends. And I think that it's kind of alluding to this, that we are shaped and formed by our relationships. We are informed by the people we hang out with and what we believe about ourselves, about the world that comes from our community.

Greg Miller

And so if we position ourselves in these unsafe places, these unsafe relationships, it does begin to impact the way we see ourselves. You know, growing up, I used to believe that a good relationship is one that lasted forever. And what's true is not all relationships are going to last forever. That doesn't mean they weren't a good relationship. What I believe now is a good relationship is one that when it ends, you have a better sense of self.

Greg Miller

You are more grounded in God's truth for you, and you are more free from shame and insecurities because of that relationship.

Randy Evert

Welcome to the Faithful and True podcast. I'm Randy Everett, your co-host, and we are here again today with our usual host, doctor Greg Miller. Greg, great to see you. Always good to be here. Thank you for being with us. And the last podcast went so well that we begged our guest, Jim Farm, the clinical director of Faithful and True, to join us again today.

Randy Evert

And we're going to talk about Valentine's Day is just around the corner. So we thought that it would be a great subject matter to discuss guarding your heart.

Jim Farm

Yeah, yeah. I thought this would be a great idea. I was thinking about it, you know, with Valentine's coming up and in second grade, it was. It was an interesting because my second grade teacher had did this exercise. We'll get into it in a second, but I don't know if you guys I don't know what your Valentine's experience in elementary school.

Jim Farm

Do you remember the cards they used to I, I don't know if they still make these. They still make those hearts with the sayings on them.

Randy Evert

So the candy.

Jim Farm

Yeah. So second grade this little girl gives me this, this thing and I don't even remember what it said but I'm like I'm not eating that because it says something good you know. Yeah. But I was so oblivious and naive. She finally said like, well, you're gonna give me one, right? And but I just remember, I'm going to stick that in my pocket because I want to look at that later, you know?

Jim Farm

Yeah.

Greg Miller

But when, when I was young, my experience was everybody had to give a valentine to everyone in the class. So you created a bag or a box or something. And one of the girls in my class wrote on the Valentine's Day, you know, I'd say blah, blah, blah, be my valentine. And then under that she wrote, not really.

Greg Miller

I just had to give you a card. Oh, so that was kind of like the anti Valentine's. I did not feel very chosen in that moment, but it felt honest and authentic. So there you go.

Jim Farm

Yeah. Well it's those experiences. And my second grade teacher we're going to talk about today about guarding your heart. It's that Proverbs or it says, you know, guard your heart. It's the wellspring of life. Everything flows from that. My second grade teacher, I swear this woman is an angel because she does this exercise on Valentine's Day. Do you guys ever have to cut those big hearts out of paper?

Jim Farm

Oh yeah. And so she has this cut this, this big heart out of a piece of paper. And she has you poke a hole in the middle like where the, the, the dip is. Then we had to put a piece of yarn and we had to hold it. We, we had to put it around our necks. And so here's what she does.

Jim Farm

We're in second grade. This is a public school by the way. She goes for the next ten minutes. I'm going to kind of share things that somebody might say to you or do to you. And if you find it to be nice or neutral, just don't do anything. But if it's hurtful, just rip a little piece of your paper off your heart and put it on the thing in front of you.

Jim Farm

And she does this for ten minutes, and after ten minutes we're all looking like this ain't good. And then she goes, all right we're going to take about the same amount of time, about ten minutes. And I want you to put, put it all back together. And there's glue. There's tape, there's staples. And those of us that are perfectionists are like.

Jim Farm

How are we going to do this in ten minutes. Like how about 20? And so we do this in ten minutes is up before like you even know it. She goes, all right everybody just stop. And then she says, everybody look at your hearts and everybody's hurts around you, right? And we're looking and it's just a disaster. I mean, we're in second grade.

Jim Farm

I mean, even the parts that we somehow got reattached, it just looks disastrous. And she goes, she she says, she goes. It doesn't take very long to hurt somebody heart. But it takes a long time to put it back together.

Greg Miller

Greg Miller

And, and I think what's true is we have to recognize our actions, our choices, our words do have an impact on somebody else. And you know, what's true is we live in a world that can be very hurtful. And I think that that's part of what the Proverbs is saying is that we are protective. We we limit what we take in.

Greg Miller

We don't, everything that is shared with us, we don't see it as truth. And yet our shame sometimes tells us that it is.

Jim Farm

Yeah, yeah. Some people are wondering, well, what is your heart? You know, what does that actually mean? So when the Bible talks about your heart, it means like your your innermost part of yourself, oftentimes your thoughts, your emotions and your desires. And so, like, you know, the heart that I got that had a nice saying on it, you know, warmed my heart where yours was, like it was a little piece ripped off.

Greg Miller

Well, and I think part of it is that, like the heart is that sense of self. The heart is how we perceive ourselves, what we believe about ourselves. And, you know, one of the things about guard your heart, there is this idea of protection that, we take care of who we are and we are resilient and not letting just those negative messages to come in.

Greg Miller

And what's what's true is as children, we are really undefended. You know, one of the things I talk about are some of the attributes of the child is that they are, you know, trusting they are needful. They are dependent. There's this vulnerability of who they are. And that's why I think when we are hurt as children, it just goes to the deepest parts of who we are.

Greg Miller

It goes to that heart, part of us. And so it makes sense when we are criticized, judge rejected. It does shape and form the way that we see ourselves.

Jim Farm

I think that's the that's the hard part is if we're kids and the people that we see as protectors of our heart because we don't really have that capacity when we're young, do hurt our heart, it starts to decrease our sense of value. Right. Which then sets us up to possibly put ourselves in situations that does more damage to our heart, because we don't necessarily see ourselves as valuable, because it's already been kind of hurt, right?

Greg Miller

When I think that part of it is, you know, we we often talk about our shame comes from our pain. So the lies that we believe about ourselves are actually from woundedness that we experience. And those, those points, those moments in our life where our heart is hurt. And I like what you said, Jim, is as children, we don't have the capacity to guard our heart.

Greg Miller

We are vulnerable, and that's why we need the wise adults around us, whether it's parents or teachers or coaches, whoever it is that is a part of our life, to be able to keep us safe while we're learning to do that for ourselves. I think another principle is if I grew up in an environment that wasn't safe, maybe I grew up in a home where there was a lot of criticism and judgment.

Greg Miller

I had this sense of rejection. Or maybe I went to school and experienced that, or there were bullies. The reality is, I wasn't taught how to guard my heart. That wasn't modeled for me. And so years later, as an adult, I still continue to find myself in a place of injury because I don't know how to make wise choices about the people that are around me or the people who are in my life.

Jim Farm

Yeah, I think that's true. I, I always kind of tell the story. Well sometimes we don't like when we're kids or even adolescents. We don't like our parents guarding our hearts at times. I remember when I started going to like middle school parties and you know, my parents would say pick you up at midnight. And I'm like, well, my buddy's not getting picked up till one.

Jim Farm

And they'd say, well, nothing good happens after midnight. And I'm like, well, I think that's when the good stuff starts, you know? And then I'd find out, like the next week, well, you're lucky you left at midnight because the cops came at 1230. And you know what I'm still thinking, you know, as a teenager. And then I, you know, as I got older, I started to realize, actually, I don't know if much happened.

Jim Farm

That was good after I got out of my parents car. Right.

Greg Miller

And there can be truth to that, where, you know, some of the boundaries that wise parents are trying to create are some of the things that help keep us safe. And this is kind of the guardian of your heart is this idea of creating safety for yourself. And, you know, we often say that when when boundaries are drawn well for children.

Greg Miller

The result is that children are safe. And when those boundaries aren't drawn, well, maybe there's invasion. Think bad things happen to the child or there's abandonment. Needs go unmet. Then it makes perfect sense that that impacts the heart of the child, the way the child views themselves. You know, I often talk about the fact that we have to learn our insecurities.

Greg Miller

Our shame has to be taught to us through experiences. And so therefore, there is this innocent part of us that we begin with. But as we experience the pain of life, that innocence many times is lost. And that's part of the chaos that is created through the rejection, the judgment, the criticism that we experienced as children.

Jim Farm

Yeah, yeah. And I think, you know, setting those boundaries, guarding your heart, you know, so practically, what does that look like? I think, you know, are we do we engage in situations or, you know, go around circumstances that impact the way we think about things negatively, you know, or are we, you know, exposed to people that impact us emotionally in such a negative way over and over again, you know, without any boundaries around that.

Greg Miller

You know, it's interesting how much the Scripture talks about the importance of being wise when you choose your friends. And I think that it's kind of alluding to this, that we are shaped and formed by our relationships, we are informed by the people we hang out with and what we believe about ourselves, about the world that comes from our community.

Greg Miller

And so if we position ourselves in these unsafe places, these unsafe relationships, it does begin to impact the way we see ourselves. You know, growing up, I used to believe that a good relationship is one that lasted forever. And what's true is not all relationships are going to last forever, and doesn't mean they weren't a good relationship. What I believe now is a good relationship is one that when it ends, you have a better sense of self.

Greg Miller

You are more grounded in God's truth for you, and you are more free from shame and insecurities because of that relationship. And the wiser the other people are in our lives, the more that we can trust them to support us as we are guarding our hearts.

Jim Farm

Yeah, yeah. Well, I think sometimes when we when we think about guarding our hearts, we either think we can open our hearts completely to someone or close them off completely to someone, you know, which I don't think either ones. And that's why, you know, I have a friend. For example, his brother is an alcoholic, and traditionally this brother would show up to family events and drink over drink, and it would kind of demolish the whole event.

Jim Farm

And so one of the things he decided was he told his brother that, you know, we want you here, we love having you here. But if you choose to drink, we just need you to leave. So it wasn't completely. I'm going to close my heart off to you, but, you know, I'm going to create I'm going to create those boundaries around the drink.

Jim Farm

And so if you choose to drink, then, you know, we do have to create more space around that. But I think that is one of the ways some people do deal with, you know, where their hearts have been broken is I'm just going to close it off to everyone.

Greg Miller

And I also want to acknowledge for our listeners, this is incredibly complicated because when there has been relational betrayal, when a spouse finds out that there's been affairs or, you know, pornography and acting out, that does impact the heart of the spouse. And so part of it is recognizing for a season, I may need to limit, you know, this person's access to my heart.

Greg Miller

I may need to create some healthy separation and healthy distance in order to guard my heart. And because it's not wise if someone has not shown themselves to be trustworthy, to continue to give them access to your sense of self. And so until some of that trustworthiness is gained back, it makes sense that there's some protection that is going on, some distance that you're creating.

Jim Farm

That's right. And that's why we do things like redemptive separation. Because it is true. Because if we haven't, you know, if a guy that we're working with that's been struggling with it really doesn't have a good handle on it. Her heart does have the capacity to to be wounded again and hurt. And so and like misses my Mrs. T's link was my second grade teacher.

Jim Farm

I'll just name her because she was a sweetheart of all sweethearts, I think. Probably my first crush, actually. Yeah, but like she said, it takes a long time to put the pieces back together, you know?

Greg Miller

Well, I think part of what we're talking about with guarding the heart is this idea of being a good steward of our heart, being wise with that. And so, you know, when we are in safe community, we open ourselves up. We allow ourselves to be in that community, and we're able to receive what it is that the community is offering us.

Greg Miller

And when we're in those relationships that are unsafe, the person has demonstrated that they're not trustworthy. Then we protect ourselves. We distance ourselves from that. But it is this idea of I'm stewarding my heart. I'm stewarding my sense of self. And in those places where I was unprecedented, where I was betrayed, where I was deceived, I recognized that, ironically, part of the healing comes from engaging relationships that are safe.

Greg Miller

You know, you kind of alluded to this, but when we are hurt, our reaction many times is just to withdraw. I often talk to the men, so many of the men who come to our workshop, they grew up with these very tender hearts. They were hurt as children, and so they've learned to encase their heart in steel as a protective strategy.

Greg Miller

And they kind of walk around with this attitude of, you know, attack and defensiveness. And one of the hardest things to do is to open yourself up again to people who are safe and who are trustworthy, because it's in community that we are healed. It's that principle. We are heard in community and we are healed in community. But in order for that to happen, I must make myself available to community.

Jim Farm

Yeah, yeah. And I think that's oftentimes one of the first steps in recovery is recognizing that I am valuable enough to be protected.

Greg Miller

Jim Farm

You know, if I don't feel valuable I'm not going to, you know, guard my heart. Right. Because I don't see value in myself to begin with.

Randy Evert

So some self-love is necessary.

Jim Farm

It is. It really is. It's I've often said if you don't feel worthy, you're not going to move towards those steps of creating safety in your own life.

Greg Miller

Well, and again, we're back to those early experiences. If I wasn't valued as a child, if if I didn't, since my worth as a child, then I'm not going to really have that as an adult unless I learned that. And that's the hope of the gospel. That's what grace is about. That is what recovery is about, is moving from the lies that we believe into living in the truth, the truth of who we are and the truth of who God is.

Greg Miller

And in doing that, I have to learn some things that wasn't modeled for me as a child. You know, I have to learn to take care of myself. I have to learn to protect myself. I have to learn to trust other people who are trustworthy. And if those things weren't a part of my childhood, it makes sense. As an adult, I'm going to struggle with those.

Greg Miller

I have to learn to draw boundaries. And if I didn't grow up in a place where the boundaries were drawn, well, it makes sense. I'm going to struggle with that as an adult.

Jim Farm

One of the things maybe we could talk about a little bit, Greg, before our podcast ends is, you know, Valentine, as we said, Valentine's Day is coming up and some of the couples that we've worked with, there's a betrayed spouse that's probably, you know, has a heart that's broken right now. You know, and we often run into this as you're aware of.

Jim Farm

What do we do on the holidays like this? You know, I'm hurt, you know, and the guy is probably going, I don't know what to do. You know, she's extremely hurt. Do I get her flowers? Do I get her a gift? Do we go out on a date? What do we do? What would you suggest?

Greg Miller

Well, I think one of the things that we do is we simply live authentically and truthfully in that relationship. Whether we're talking about Valentine's Day or an anniversary, we acknowledge what is true. And there's a difference between acknowledging the day and celebrating the day. And so if Valentine's Day is about celebrating the relationship, and yet someone in the couple's ship doesn't feel like there's much to celebrate, then we're not going to celebrate it.

Greg Miller

That feels inauthentic. And yet we can still acknowledge that, you know, this is a day set aside to kind of do an inventory on where we are relationally. And I just want to say this about Valentine's Day. It's complicated. It's complicated. If you're in a relationship that is struggling and it's also complicated if you're single. And the thing I want to say is Valentine's Day is an opportunity to take inventory, to really see.

Greg Miller

Am I where I want to be in my relationships? And so if if I'm married, am I marriage is not where I want it to be, then Valentine's Day isn't an opportunity to pretend it's better than it is. It's simply to hear it as an invitation. This is something that I need to work on. You know, Valentine's Day could be used as a call to greater commitment to greater vulnerability, to greater health in a relationship that's not working.

Greg Miller

I mean, if I'm in a relationship where there is connection and intimacy and maybe we are further down the road and recovery has been working for us and we do feel connected, then Valentine's Day can be a day to celebrate that and acknowledge the work that we've done that has brought us to this place. You know, the the, the mistake that we have about romance is that romance is magical.

Greg Miller

That romance just magically appears. But the reality is, for those couples who are really experiencing connection and intimacy, that romance has come with a lot of work. And so maybe Valentine's Day needs to just be an acknowledgment for many couples of all of the work and effort we have put into being in this place and celebrating that. And for people who are single, I think it's also acknowledging maybe this is where I need to be right now.

Greg Miller

Maybe this is the best place for me. And so instead of being resentful about Valentine's Day, maybe it's simply a celebration of I'm in a good place in my life and I can celebrate the relationship I have with myself. For some couples, the ending of the relationship because it was painful, because it was destructive might have been the best gift they'd been given, even though it was a very painful gift.

Greg Miller

And Valentine's Day this year can simply be a celebration of their authentic self and the truth that maybe they are lonely, or maybe they are still hurting, or maybe they aren't willing to open up and trust again. But maybe one day they will be able to.

Jim Farm

Yeah, I like that idea, Greg, that maybe this Valentine's Day is a time to just evaluate, you know, how is your heart? You know, how are you doing with guarding your heart? How are you doing with guarding the hearts of the people that are closest to you?

Greg Miller

Right. Well, and what if we expand Valentine's Day? If it's about relationships? For those who are not necessarily in a romantic relationship, can it be a celebration of the love that they feel for their community, for their friends? Can it be a time of acknowledging, I'm so glad that I'm not alone? And maybe for the person who does feel alone, maybe it can be that invitation to next year.

Greg Miller

I don't want to be alone. I want to be in community. I want to be connected to other people. And I just again, I want to say Valentine's Day is complicated because of all of these expectations that were given because of it. You know, I get back to that experience that I had. I think I was in the fourth grade, and the girl's name was Sue Ann, and.

Randy Evert

I know her.

Jim Farm

The good news is.

Greg Miller

Sue and I reconciled, and we when we graduated, we were friends.

Jim Farm

But.

Greg Miller

What was true was that was for Susan, even though it was hurtful for me. But I do think there's a way to acknowledge that because of these expectations, that can be what is painful. You know, the teacher said everybody has to put a a put a Valentine's Day in everybody's box. There was a force to that. You know, there.

Greg Miller

And I understand the intention. Nobody wants to be left out. But sometimes those expectations of I've got to do this is part of what creates chaos. So on Valentine's Day, if we can switch it to I've got to do this to what do I want to do? What is my desire? Who in my life can I celebrate? And who in my life can I be thankful for?

Greg Miller

That may change some of the energy of expectation that makes Valentine's Day so complicated.

Jim Farm

Yeah, yeah, I like to an is what her name was. But like, she was allowing herself to be known even though it was hard.

Jim Farm

She was.

Jim Farm

Which is how we define intimacy. Right.

Jim Farm

Right.

Jim Farm

Yeah. It's not intense in a good way.

Jim Farm

Well, and you know what may be true? Yeah. What may be true is. And I would.

Greg Miller

Say this. Sue Ann was not against me. It wasn't like Sue Ann was anti-gay. She was clearly saying, though, that Sue Ann was not romantically interested in Greg, that I was not going to be her Valentine. And if I could proportion that correctly, then maybe I wasn't offended, you know, because what's true is maybe at that point I didn't want to an is my valentine.

Greg Miller

Exactly. But I do think that there is some some truth in this idea of whatever is authentic, whatever is real. That's what can be celebrated and that's what can be acknowledged. And again, if you're in a relationship this year, that is difficult and painful. Don't pretend that it's not there, you know? Allow yourself to acknowledge where you are.

Greg Miller

Versus feeling like you have to perform something. That doesn't feel real for you in the moment.

Jim Farm

Full disclosure. My my elementary Valentine's cards. I was more interested in what candy was going to be on the cards than what was actually written in the cards.

Greg Miller

And I do remember there were kind of two tiers of Valentines back in the day. Yeah, there were those that were just paper. Yeah. Disappointing. And then there were those that had some sort of candy in them. Exciting.

Jim Farm

Yes, exactly.

Greg Miller

And so as you dug through, let's be honest, you kind of tossed the ones that had no candy initially. You might have gone back and visit them, but you wanted that. You could tell in the envelope it was a little bit thick. So you thought, okay, there's something worth opening this for. Yeah. And yeah, we all have those experiences.

Jim Farm

And God forbid if one of your buddies put a card in there without candy, they were going to hear about it.

Greg Miller

That's right. And I remember, even as a child, feeling pressure around that day that that really wasn't helpful. And again, recognizing that this guarding of your heart begins with appreciated and understanding the value of it. I tell this image a lot, but, I love Antiques Roadshow, and I've been watching it a lot because it's on one of the streaming services now, and I've just I love it, and I always love that experience where someone brings something in that they have no idea what the value is.

Greg Miller

They don't see the worth of it. They found it in their addict, or they got it at a garage sale. And so they bring it in. And then the, appraiser gives them this amazing historic description of what it is. Talks about the artist that created it. And then at the end of it gives this amazing price tag that this thing is actually worth, and you can see the shock in their face.

Greg Miller

Well, that's part of what it means to guard our heart is we start by understanding the value of it. You know, I remember distinctly this one episode where these people brought in this bowl, I think literally the dog had been drinking out of it. They found it in the attic. They didn't think it was that pretty. And then they discovered it was a bowl that was created by Louis Comfort Tiffany.

Greg Miller

It was probably worth about $50,000. And then immediately they just kind of acknowledged the dog had lost the bowl. But the reality was they had never cleaned up the bowl. They didn't see the beauty of the bowl. They didn't understand the value because of who created the bowl. When we begin to understand the beauty and the value of our heart because who created it?

Greg Miller

When we begin to understand the significance of the individuality of who we are and how precious we are, then we begin to guard it. We begin to take care of it. We don't leave it on the floor for the dog to drink out of. We put it on a shelf where we can celebrate it, and others can see it, and it can be appreciated for what it is.

Greg Miller

I think that's part of guarding your heart also is seeing the value of it and celebrating it.

Jim Farm

Yeah. Very well said Greg. And I think what that does as well is seeing the value of our heart motivates us to. Maybe I'll use Mrs. T's links language as start to put the pieces back together for where the wounds happened.

Greg Miller

Right. You know, what's interesting is back to Antiques Roadshow. There are so many times where one of the things that they talk about is you're painting your jewelry, your vase, whatever it is, it simply needs some love. It needs to be restored. And if you take it to someone who is a professional, they can restore it and bring the beauty back.

Greg Miller

You know, really highlight the colors and kind of bring it back to its glory. And that's very much what you're talking about, is even for those of us that our hearts have been wounded and damaged and hurt. There is a restorer that can come and bring back the glory and the beauty, and there may still be some of the scars.

Greg Miller

There may still be some of the dings in the mix. But it really can begin to be seen as what it was intended to be in all of its beauty.

Jim Farm

Yeah. You're talking Debbie's language of post-traumatic growth there. Yeah.

Randy Evert

There you go.

Greg Miller

And also the theological concept of grace and restoration, because God is the creator, is also God the Restorer.

Randy Evert

Thanks, Greg. Thanks, Jim. This is a again, this took a very positive, very warm and wonderful grace filled turn. And I hope that this podcast has brought some perspective and some joy to you today. We hope that we thank Jim for joining us once again. He's the clinical director. And that's really it's a big deal that I can't emphasize it.

Randy Evert

But but we we appreciate you both for being here today. And we, we thank you for watching and listening to our podcast today. We invite you to visit our website, Faithful and True, where you'll find many available resources to you. We also have all of the online information and the invitation to be able to register for our intensive three day workshops.

Randy Evert

We do the Men's Journey workshop every month. We do the Women's Journey Workshop on a quarterly basis, and the same thing with the two different Couples Journey workshops that we now offer. So visit Faithful and true.com. And in the meantime, we hope this coming week is going to be a week for you that's filled with many blessings and with great vision.