Hula Hoop Health

Staying in Your Hoop: Healthy Communication in Recovery and Relationships

Faithful & True Podcast Transcript

Dr. Greg Miller:

One of the most important aspects of recovery—especially for those navigating sex addiction, porn addiction, betrayal trauma, and marriage recovery—is learning to be honest. Not just with others, but with ourselves. Honesty requires that I clearly understand what is true for me and then have the courage to express that truth, even when I may not like the outcome.

For many of us, especially those who have struggled with hiding and lying, there is a tendency to manipulate outcomes. We may withhold information, soften the truth, or say what we think the other person wants to hear. But real healing requires something different. It requires that we offer clear, honest information and then allow the other person—within their own “hoop”—to decide what they are going to do with it.

Randy Evert (Co-Host):

Welcome to the Faithful & True Podcast. I’m Randy Evert, your co-host. Today we’re joined again by our host, Dr. Greg Miller, and a very special guest, Debbie Laaser, director at Faithful & True. We’re excited to continue a conversation many of you are familiar with—the Three Hoops model—and today we’re going to take a deeper dive into what it really means to stay in your own hoop, especially in the context of relationships and recovery.

For those who may be new, the Three Hoops model is something we use often at Faithful & True when working with couples. Each person has their own hoop, and then there is a shared hoop that represents the relationship. Where we stand—whether in our own hoop, someone else’s hoop, or the shared space—shapes how we communicate, how we respond, and ultimately how we heal.

Debbie Laaser:

The question we’re really exploring today is this: How do I communicate from my own hoop? Especially when I’m triggered, when I have a need, or when I’m reacting emotionally—how do I stay grounded in my own experience without becoming controlling, critical, or manipulative?

For many people, this feels complicated because their history of communication hasn’t been safe. They may have experienced criticism, judgment, or manipulation in past relationships. So even asking, “How do I do this differently?” is already a step toward healing.

One of the first things we need to understand is that when something is happening inside of us—an emotional reaction, a need, or even physical discomfort—it is our responsibility to initiate a conversation about it. Many people try to communicate indirectly, hoping the other person will notice or understand. But healthy communication begins with ownership.

For example, instead of expecting someone to notice that I’m in pain, I might say, “I’m noticing that my shoulder really hurts today.” That’s simple, but it’s honest and grounded in my own experience.

Dr. Greg Miller:

And when we don’t communicate clearly, relationships can quickly become complicated. There’s often an unspoken belief that if someone truly loved us, they would just know what we need. But that belief leads to frustration and misunderstanding.

Let’s say I ask you to help move a box. If you’re in pain but don’t say anything, you may comply but feel resentment. Or you might expect me to already know that you’re hurting. When those expectations go unspoken, they create tension.

This is where many relationship conflicts begin—not with the action itself, but with the unspoken story behind it.

Debbie Laaser:

Exactly. And those internal stories can be powerful. You might be thinking, “He never helps,” or “Everything falls on me,” or even, “I’m not allowed to say no.” Those beliefs often come from earlier experiences—family systems where expressing needs wasn’t safe or acceptable.

So part of staying in our hoop is not just naming what we feel, but also naming what we’re thinking. We might say, “The story in my head is that I’m being expected to do everything, and that doesn’t feel fair.” That kind of statement creates clarity without attacking the other person.

Dr. Greg Miller:

And that clarity is essential. Because when I own my thoughts and feelings, I’m not assuming they are true for the other person. I’m simply sharing my internal experience. That gives the other person the opportunity to respond, clarify, or correct.

Another challenge is that many people have learned not to talk about these things at all. There may be a belief that “we don’t talk about this” or that vulnerability is dangerous because it has been used against them in the past. But when we don’t express what’s happening inside us, it creates emotional residue—both within ourselves and in the relationship.

Debbie Laaser:

Let’s bring this into a real-life example, especially relevant for couples navigating porn addiction and betrayal trauma.

Imagine a woman discovers that her partner has been viewing pornography. She may feel hurt, triggered, and uncertain about the relationship. The unhealthy ways of communicating might include blaming, shaming, or making global statements like, “All men do this” or “You’ve been lying to me.”

While those statements may contain truth, they often escalate conflict rather than invite connection.

A healthier approach might sound like this: “I’ve experienced a relationship in the past where pornography caused a lot of pain for me, and I’m realizing this is something I can’t ignore. I need honesty from you, and I need to understand whether this is something you’re willing to address.”

That statement stays in her hoop. It expresses her experience, her need, and her boundary—without trying to control the other person.

Dr. Greg Miller:

And from the other person’s hoop, there are also choices. He might say, “You’re right, this has been a problem for me, and I want help.” Or he might say, “I don’t see this as a problem, and I don’t plan to change.”

Both responses may be difficult to hear, but honesty is essential. Because clarity allows both people to make informed decisions. At Faithful & True, we often say, clarity is kindness. Even when the truth is painful, it is still kinder than confusion or deception.

Debbie Laaser:

Another important aspect of staying in your hoop is recognizing what is not your responsibility. You are not responsible for changing the other person. When we try to control, fix, or manipulate someone else, we step out of our hoop and into theirs—a pattern we call “hoop hopping.”

Hoop hopping often leads to arguments, defensiveness, and emotional distance. Instead, we are invited to stay grounded in our own values, needs, and choices.

Dr. Greg Miller:

And this is where many people get stuck. When faced with conflict—especially around issues like sex addiction or betrayal trauma—there can be a pull toward shame or blame.

A man might respond with shame, thinking, “I’m a terrible person, I’ll never change.” Or he might shift into blame, saying, “You’re too critical. Everyone does this.” Neither response is helpful.

What we’re aiming for is ownership: “What’s true is I did lie, and I need to decide what I’m going to do about that.”

Debbie Laaser:

And from the partner’s perspective, staying in her hoop also means recognizing her own choices. Even when the other person does not change, she still has agency. She can seek support, pursue her own healing, and make decisions about what she is willing or not willing to live with.

That’s a critical part of marriage recovery and posttraumatic growth—realizing that my well-being is not entirely dependent on the other person’s choices.

Dr. Greg Miller:

We see this often in both directions. Sometimes it is the person struggling with addiction who is resistant to change. Other times, it is the partner who is resistant to engaging in their own healing process. In either case, the principle remains the same:

Wise people always have choices.

Even choosing to stay in a relationship is still a choice. And owning that choice is part of living with integrity.

Debbie Laaser:

Another helpful tool in staying in your hoop is offering support without making assumptions. Instead of saying, “You’re just afraid,” we might say, “I don’t know if this is true, but I wonder if part of this feels overwhelming or intimidating.”

That kind of statement creates space rather than defensiveness. It invites conversation rather than shutting it down.

Randy Evert (Closing):

As we wrap up today, the invitation is simple but powerful: begin to notice where you are standing in your relationships. Are you in your own hoop—owning your thoughts, feelings, and needs? Or have you stepped into someone else’s hoop, trying to control or change them?

For those navigating sex addiction, porn addiction, betrayal trauma, or marriage recovery, this model offers a practical and deeply transformative way to communicate and connect.

We invite you to visit faithfulandtrue.com, where you’ll find resources, workshops, and over 550 podcast episodes designed to support your journey toward healing and posttraumatic growth.

We hope this coming week is filled with clarity, courage, and meaningful connection.