Healthy Sexuality: Relational Dimension 2

Restoring Trust and Healthy Relationships in Recovery

Faithful & True Podcast Transcript (Relational Dimension – Part 2)

Understanding Control, Codependency, and Trust

Codependency often shows up as an attempt to control or manipulate another person’s reactions, emotions, or presence in our lives.

When someone is struggling with sex addiction or porn addiction, this pattern can become deeply ingrained in relationships—especially in the aftermath of betrayal trauma.

A helpful question to ask is:

“Why am I doing this for my spouse?”

• If the motivation is fear, anxiety, or trying to manage their reaction → this is codependency

• If the motivation is love, service, and surrender → this reflects healthy relational growth

When control is surrendered, something powerful happens:

The spouse begins to sense, “You’re no longer trying to manipulate or deceive me.”

And that is where trust begins to rebuild.

Podcast Introduction

Randy Evert (Co-Host):

Welcome to the Faithful & True Podcast. I’m Randy Evert, your co-host.

Today we’re bringing you a legacy presentation featuring Dr. Mark Laaser, founder of Faithful & True.

This episode continues our Healthy Sexuality Series, focusing on the Relational Dimension (Part 2)—a critical component of healing for couples navigating sex addiction, porn addiction, betrayal trauma, and marriage recovery.

Revisiting the Relational Dimension

Dr. Mark Laaser:

Last week, we introduced the relational dimension and discovered just how much material is involved. There’s simply too much to cover in one episode.

At the core of this dimension is one key word:

Intentionality

Healthy relationships do not happen by accident—especially after the disruption of infidelity, sex addiction, or betrayal trauma.

They must be built intentionally.

The Six Relationship Contracts

The Faithful & True model introduces six relational contracts:

• Sexuality

• Fighting (Safe Conversation)

• Communication

• Roles

• Play

• Spirituality

Each contract helps couples move from:

• Chaos → to clarity

• Reactivity → to intentional connection

1. The Safe Conversation Contract

Dr. Mark Laaser:

We used to call this a “fair fight,” but now we refer to it as a safe conversation contract.

Couples identify:

• What makes conversations unsafe (yelling, blaming, name-calling)

• Where conversations should happen

• When they should happen

• How long they should last

This creates structure and safety.

Communication Principle: Stay in Your “Hoop”

Rather than saying:

• “You always…”

• “You never…”

We shift to:

• “I feel…”

• “My experience is…”

This reduces blame and builds emotional safety—essential in marriage recovery after betrayal trauma.

2. The Sexuality Contract

Dr. Mark Laaser:

After infidelity or porn addiction, couples often experience a period of separation—emotionally, physically, or sexually.

Rebuilding intimacy must be:

• Gradual

• Intentional

• Safe

This may include:

• Differentiating healthy touch vs. sexual touch

• Setting boundaries around physical affection

• Seeking professional support for sexual healing

The goal is to restore trust before intimacy.

3. The Roles Contract

Dr. Mark Laaser:

Roles are shaped by upbringing and cultural expectations.

Historically:

• Men worked outside the home

• Women managed the household

Today, couples must intentionally define:

• Responsibilities

• Expectations

• Shared contributions

Unspoken expectations often lead to resentment.

Healthy couples:

• Communicate openly

• Share responsibilities

• Work as a team

4. The Play Contract

Dr. Mark Laaser:

Couples in crisis—especially those navigating betrayal trauma and addiction recovery—often forget how to have fun.

That’s why play must be intentional.

Examples include:

• Date nights

• Shared hobbies

• Travel or recreation

Play restores:

• Joy

• Connection

• Emotional bonding

5. The Spirituality Contract

Dr. Mark Laaser:

During recovery—especially when sexual intimacy is paused—couples can build connection through spirituality.

This may include:

• Prayer

• Scripture study

• Worship

• Spiritual retreats

Spiritual intimacy often becomes a foundation for:

• Emotional healing

• Relational restoration

• Posttraumatic growth

The Goal of All Contracts

All six contracts serve one purpose:

To make the relationship intentional rather than reactive.

Restoring Trust After Betrayal

Dr. Mark Laaser:

Trust is not rebuilt overnight—especially after sex addiction, porn addiction, or infidelity.

It is rebuilt through seven key principles:

1. Christ-Centered (Covenant Foundation)

Marriage is a spiritual union—“one flesh.” Healing must address both individuals and the relationship itself.

2. Committed

Couples must commit to the process:

• No threats of divorce

• A defined period of working on the relationship

3. Continuing

Trust is not immediate—it develops over time.

A few days or weeks of sobriety does not equal restored trust.

4. Communicating (Truth-Telling)

Honesty must become the new norm.

This includes:

• Telling the truth

• The whole truth

• Without omission

Full disclosure is often part of this process in addiction recovery.

5. Consistent

Trust grows through consistent behavior:

• Keeping commitments

• Following through

• Being reliable in daily life

6. Considerate

The betrayed partner’s healing takes time.

Patience is essential:

• Expect emotional reactions

• Allow space for grief and anger

7. Control Surrendered

Dr. Mark Laaser:

This is where codependency comes into play.

When control is surrendered:

• You stop manipulating outcomes

• You act out of love—not fear

• You release expectations

And this communicates something powerful:

“I am no longer trying to deceive or control you.”

That is when trust can begin to return.

The Role of Accountability

Dr. Mark Laaser:

Accountability is not just about stopping destructive behaviors like porn addiction or sex addiction.

It’s also about:

• Starting healthy behaviors

• Practicing patience

• Building character

Recovery requires both:

• Stopping what is harmful

• Starting what is healing

Encouragement for Men

If you’re in a men’s group:

• Encourage each other

• Stay accountable

• Practice intentionality

• Follow through on commitments

Encouragement for Women (Betrayed Partners)

Dr. Mark Laaser:

For women navigating betrayal trauma:

• Trust is a process

• Forgiveness is a process

• Healing may take months or years

A key part of your journey is learning to:

• Trust yourself

• Trust your instincts

• Trust God

From that foundation, trust in others can grow.

Closing

Randy Evert:

Thank you for joining us on the Faithful & True Podcast.

We invite you to visit faithfulandtrue.com for additional resources, including workshops for:

• Men

• Women

• Couples navigating marriage recovery

We pray this message supports your journey toward healing from sex addiction, porn addiction, and betrayal trauma, and into lasting posttraumatic growth.

May your week be filled with:

• Blessings

• Healing

• And renewed vision